Broken
by Calleigh's little girl
Summary: You don't love her' he reminded himself.But then why was he feeling so jealous seeing her with him?Please R&R!Chapter 11 is up!Beginning rewritten!Spoilers up to The Fisher King part 2
1. Prologue

**Discs.: I don't own Criminal Minds nor its characters...**

**A/N: I rewrote this because I wanted to make it more clearly...**

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Broken

_Prologue _

Hotch watched them talking – again. Of course he had found out about it already a while ago and it was unbelievable painful for him to know the real truth…

_Flashback, a week earlier :_

He saw Morgan kissing her – and it was hurting him, because he knew about the betrayal this specific interaction meant…But he couldn't do anything against it – she was out of his reach for so many reasons…So he kept silent about what he had observed – it wasn't his business after all, not his place to judge.

_End flashback_

_(Change of POV)_

She was once again waiting for him. She wasn't in love with him, but she hated being alone...Especially after a tough case. Some poeple drank to distract them, some people took a hot bubble-bath, others had meaningless sex - she had tried all of it, none of it worked really efficient.

So she had settled for him – to not being alone…That was the only thing that helped forgetting. But every time he was lying next to her at night, her mind was wandering – and she regretted the decision she had made a few months ago after a particular difficult case, because even though she didn't love him she still cared about him and she didn't want to lose that...

_(Change to the original POV)_

Another week had passed and it had come like it had to come : She had found out the truth…He had seen them talk and she'd been crying.

They were holding each other in a close embrace, while Morgan was trying to ease her pain. He put some space between them, cupped her face with one of his hands, the other one remained on her hip and while her hands were still resting on his waist she looked up at him. Morgan caressed her cheek and said something to her, after a moment she nodded and he gave her a soft kiss onto the forehead.

It was breaking his heart – which was supposed to belong to someone else than her. She was heart broken. He should have told her the truth, but he hadn't…

Now the only thing he was able to do for her was being there, picking up the pieces of her broken heart and helping her with putting them back together…

_Tbc_

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**A/N: Hope it was better this way...Please take the time to review!**


	2. The Fisher King

Discs.: I don't own the show. It belongs, as well as the characters, o Mark Gordon, Ed Benero and Jeff Davis...

A/N: Well, even if this with the review thing doesn't seem to work I posted the second chapter...It wasn't corrected, because my beta seems to be too busy...

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Broken

_1.The Fisher King_

He was surprised that Elle and Morgan were still wanting to go on their trip to Jamaica – after all that had happened between them…But maybe it hadn't been about love after all. Still the jealousy he felt was eating him away. It was just not fair that Morgan was able to have the one thing he could never have – Elle…

All these things were running through Hotch's mind while he was driving home to his family - and he was feeling so horrible guilty for it, but he just couldn't help it…

When he arrived at home he tried to get rid of the thoughts he should certainly _not_have.

Starting to work on the list Haley had made for him helped with doing so pretty well – being occupied like this was not leaving much time for thinking about something he was not even allowed to yearn for…

_Late that night :_

When he received the call from Morgan, he had to fight back his rage – first Morgan had cheated on Elle with Garcia and now she was in trouble, because he had convinced her to go with him to Montega Bay!

Aaron told his wife that he was unbelievable sorry, hurried to get ready to leave and arranged everything which was necessary to help Elle as fast as he possibly could, while driving to the airport.

When he arrived he met up with Morgan and switched into work –mode and then they went together to the Police department to get Elle free. As they entered the interrogation-room Hotch noticed that Elle was wearing only a black top and short dark pants, so he took off his suit-jacket and gave it to her.

She gave him one of her gorgeous smiles and while he was explaining the situation to St Pierre he realised once again that he should treasure every moment when she was looking or smiling like this at him, because it was all he could and would ever receive from her, unfortunately.

After they had left the department they hurried to get Elle's and Morgan's stuff from the hotel and drove to the airport, where the FBI jet was waiting for them – ready to take off for DC.

When they had taken off Elle finally said something : "Thank you, Hotch…I mean, I know that you had plans for your vacation time and how much you have looked forward to being able to spend some time with your family – and instead of being able to enjoy the time away from the office, you had to come here in the middle of the night to get me out of prison…"

"Hey Elle, listen to me, don't get yourself so worked up because of this…It wasn't a big deal – really." He gave her a reassuring glance.

Elle smiled grateful at him and tried to think of a reason why someone would do such a thing like this. After a moment of silence Hotch and Morgan started to fill her in about what they were knowing so far and Hotch called JJ to let her know that they were on their way back to DC.

_The next evening :_

When he sent Elle home he was sure he was doing the right thing – how wrong he actually was he was going to find out not much time later. But not until it was nearly too late…

After they had received the call Hotch was feeling horrible and the case got even more personal.

He could have known – he _should_have known…

Tbc

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A/N: I hope you liked it and that there are not too many mistakes in it...PLEASE SEND ME SOME REVIEWS... 


	3. Memories

Discs.: I don't own the show are characters...

A/N: I finished this the same day that I published the first "chap", it wasn't corrected yet, but I really wanted to post it, so please forgive me the mistakes...

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Broken 

_2.Memories_

While they were still chasing the UnSub, Hotch was unable to deal with his thoughts – which were all including memories of Elle. He remembered the first time he had seen her like it was yesterday.

It had been the first case with Gideon back on the team after the incident in Boston. Hotch had been totally impressed by the young agent. After the case had been closed and they were on their way back to DC she was still invading his mind – he just couldn't get rid of her image. He still felt guilty for what he had thought when he first saw her. – Hell he was married for years, his wife was pregnant, they were even already talking about how to name their unborn son…

When he had gotten to his office to work on the paperwork he wasn't able to avoid and to look thought the pile of personal files of agents who wanted to get the opening in the BAU he noticed a file with a specific name – Elle Greenaway. He smiled and had suddenly made up his mind – he was not willing to give the open position in his unit to anyone else than her.

He had called her the same night and invited her for an interview about the job in the BAU. He didn't dared to apologize for calling in the middle of the night, probably waking her up. He smiled sadly and also kinda ashamed when he remembered his thoughts when he heard her dozy voice on the other end of the line. He had tried to imagine how she was lying in her bed and felt bad for it.

Back then he had hoped that it would be much easier for him to get her out of his mind when she was working for him – of course he was aware of how stupid that was, but still he had to do something to get his thoughts about her under control.

The interview two days later went even better than he had thought and they agreed that she would start in two weeks. After she had joined his team his plan worked out the way it was supposed – at least for a while.

He had thought he would get along with her as a friend – without him thinking permanently about her – even when he was with Haley.

Hotch still knew when this had changed. The day had started unusually quiet – and had nearly ended in a disaster…A psychotic guy had taken hostages in a train somewhere in Texas. At first he had thought it would be a case like every other one before – a bit complicated considering that the man was psychotic and had two guns, but still just the normal stuff. Then Gideon had entered the room and said four horrible word's _"My god, Elle" _and suddenly Hotch regretted to having allowed her to go all by herself to Texas.

But how much it was getting to him was something he was only realizing after all of it was over and the events of the day were finally sinking in – he could have lost her that day. And he hated this fact – he hated the fact that he was feeling like this, that he cared so goddamn much for her. He could have lived with it in case something had happened to Reid – even if it would have been Gideon and something bad happened, but Elle – it was impossible for him to even imagine having lost her…

Flashback:

After all passengers had left the train he went to Elle and Reid. He noticed once again the cut on her cheek and told her : "Well, I'll see you at the hospital..."

"Hotch, I don't need a doctor..."

He only shook his had : "This guy hit you with a gun into the face. You could have a concussion after all. You are going to see a doctor -that's an order - and I'm not going to discuss this any further, you got that!" I then turned away to meet the others. Still angry with himself - for letting her go to Dallas and even more for letting his feelings getting in the way...

End flashback

After that day he was unable to keep denying his true feelings for her. It was easy for him to recall the evening when he was close to reveal it with only one little question…The team was sitting in a Chinese restaurant in New York City and while eating they were talking about work – like always. Then all of a sudden Elle pointed out the obvious – that they were always talking about work-related stuff.

Without thinking about it he asked her if she was seeing someone. Luckily for him the others didn't realized that he was totally serious about this – he really wanted to know, he _needed_ to know…

He knew he should be happy about having a great wife like Haley, but still Elle was always on his mind…And, yeah, of course he felt guilty for it but it didn't changed anything!

When he found out about her relationship with Morgan he had felt like he had to die. He hadn't gone home that night, first he spent nearly to hours at the firing range imagining it was Morgan he was shooting at, and when he had finally decided to go home he knew Haley would notice that something was wrong with him and he just hadn't the energy to lie to her that night – so he drove around, trying to get her out of his mind.

Now he of course knew that it hadn't been anything serious for her, but still…

Tbc

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A/N: Hope you liked it. I know my writing style had been better, and I guess there were at least a few mistakes in it...Please REVIEW! 


	4. Profiler profiled

** Discs.: I of course don't own CM or its characters**

**A/N : I finally finished writing the next three chaps. They were not beta read, because I didn't wanted you guys to keep waiting...**

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**Broken**

_3.Profiler profiled_

Four days had passed since they had closed the case and everyone on the team had noticed how different Hotch's behavior had become. He was quieter than usually and seemed far away with his mind.

They were on their way to help on a case in Orlando and talked about the case details. The only one who was sitting quietly all alone in one corner of the plane was Hotch – once again lost in his thoughts. He wasn't aware of the conversations of his colleagues. The guilt he felt because of what had happened was nearly unbearable for him. He wanted to be at Elle's bedside to make sure she was okay – he of course knew that his team needed him, but he couldn't be there for them …Right now he needed to get his thoughts in order, to figure out what he wanted…

The others were trying all the time to light up Hotch's mood, but he won't open up to anyone of them. The only topic he was willing to talk about was work.

He knew that even Haley had noticed how much he had changed in the last few days, but he didn't care – he couldn't…

The team knew that their boss was spending all his free time in the hospital at Elle's side, everyday he was looking more tired, desperate and farther away with his thoughts and they were getting more and more worried.

_At the evening, back at DC :_

After they had closed the case in record time the team started to work on their paperwork. Hotch went straight to his office to finish up his tasks as leader of the unit – and that as fast as possible, because he wanted to get to the hospital to see Elle. Only a few minutes passed before his mind drifted back to all the things which bothered him now for weeks – especially since Elle had been shot.

_Meanwhile in Gideon's office :_

Gideon was still busy with his paperwork when his phone rang.

"Yeah?"

"Jason? This is Haley…"

"Oh hey, how are you?"

"To be honest – I'm worried about Aaron…"

"Why's that?" Gideon was curious, he knew that something was wrong with Hotch, but he was surprised to hear that Haley had noticed it as well – because Hotch usually tended to hide his problems and sorrows from his wife.

"He changed so much - not only in the last few days…He is totally quiet and distant with his thoughts for weeks – a few days ago he started to only come home for changing his clothes, the dark circles under his eyes are getting darker every time I see him – and he just won't open up to me! I don't know what to do anymore…"

Gideon heard in her voice how desperate Haley was – he was sure that she was close to tears…

"Maybe you could talk with him, Jason?"

"I will try – but I can't promise anything…"

A moment later they hung up. Gideon thought for a while, when he lifted his head he saw Hotch leaving so he jumped up from his seat to get to him.

Gideon opened his door in a hurry and ordered : "Hotch, can I have a word with you?"

Hotch forced a calm expression onto his face and went to his friends office.

"What's the matter – I'm in a hurry…"

"I already noticed that – have a seat." Gideon was aware of the fact that Hotch hated to be ordered around – but there was no other way than to force him to talk.

After Hotch had taken a seat he gave Gideon only a half questioning half annoyed glance.

"What's wrong with you?"

"You know the answer Jason…"

"I don't believe that you only changed like this because of what has happened to Elle – we all feel horrible because of it and are worried about her – but right now we are more worried about you…You getting more distant from us everyday – and that's not only like this since Elle had been shot. There's something else bothering you we both know that – and one thing is for sure : In case you keep this behavior up you will ruin your whole life – if you don't get yourself killed in the field because of the lack of sleep …"

"Stop profiling me, Jason!"

Hotch jumped up and wanted to leave but Gideon stopped him with his next sentence : "Listen, Aaron if you don't open up to someone and keep up this way of behaving you are going to lose everything – including your life. You have a family that needs you…Do you really think Haley doesn't noticed how much you changed in the last time?"

He paused and waited for a reaction of his friend – but there came none, so he went on : "Stop being so god damn proud and talk to me – you need to talk with someone…Have you even an idea of how worried Haley is?"

Slowly Hotch turned around – his shoulders hanging finally giving up his façade. He went back to the chair and sat down.

After a moment of silence he started quietly to talk : "It's all my fault – I sent her home…"

"We both know that this is only a part of the truth, Hotch – you know as well as everybody else that this is nobody's fault, nobody could have known this…Haley told me that you started to change weeks ago…"

"You talked with her?"

Gideon only nodded and observed Hotch, who leaned now his forehead onto his hands, his elbows on his legs…

"There is another woman…I can't stop thinking of. – She invades my mind wherever I go, whatever I do – I just can't get her out of my head…At the beginning I tried to deny it but then there was this incident and I finally realized that she could never be only a friend to me – not to mention a colleague…"

Not even a second passed before he got aware of his mistake, but Gideon kept quiet for the time being so Hotch went on : "I don't know what to do…she is invading my every thought – even when I'm with Haley I keep thinking about _her_– and now this happened…and it just gets all too much…"

He finally looked up – his eyes full with pain.

"Do you love her?"

"I don't know…I love Haley, I love Jack – but I also know that I couldn't live without _her_ – if she dies because of my mistake – I don't know what I would do…But I could never be with her anyway – for so many reasons…I can't lose my family not to mention that she is totally off limits…I'm her boss…"

He suddenly got aware that he just revealed his secret – and he knew what Gideon would say every moment, so he got up and left in a hurry to get to the place he needed to be…

_Tbc_

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_**A/N: Hope you liked it and that there**were not too many mistakes in it...Please tell me your opinion!  
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	5. I've got you under my skin

**Discs.: I don't own the show, nor the characters...**

**A/N: My first try on writing a songfic...It wasn't bet read...**

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**Broken**

_4.I've got you under my skin_

On the way to the hospital thousand thoughts were running through Hotch's mind – all at once. He slowly realized what he had just done – he just told Gideon about the fact that he had fallen for one of his subordinates…

To distract himself from his thoughts he turned on the radio, but when he heard the song which was played right now he was for a moment tempted to turn it off again – but he couldn't keep himself from listening to every word of it…

_(I've got you under my skin_

_I've got you deep in the heart of me_

_You're so deep in my heart that you're really a part of me_

_And I've got you under my skin)_

Hotch smirked sadly when his mind went back to his conversation with Jason but his train of thought was interrupted by the ringing of his cell-phone. It was Haley who wanted to know if he was going to come home soon. But he knew that he couldn't go home yet.

_( I've tried so not to give in_

_You know I've said to myself this affair ain't gonna go so well_

_But why should I try to resist when baby I know so well_

_That I've got you under my skin)_

When Hotch ended the conversation with his wife he felt guilty for telling her he had still something else to do before coming home – but he needed to see Elle…

_( I'd sacrifice anything come what might_

_For the sake of having you near_

_In spite of a warning voice that comes in the night and repeats in my ear_

_Don't you know you fool, you never can win_

_Use your mentality, step up to reality _

_But each time I do just the thought of you_

_Makes me stop before I begin_

_Cause I've got you under my skin)_

Hotch suddenly realized – while listening to the lyrics of the song – that there was only one thing he knew for sure : He could never give up his career or his family – nor could he risk to lose his friendship with Elle – for giving in to his feelings…

_( I'd sacrifice anything come what might_

_For the sake of having you near_

_In spite of the warning voice that comes in the night_

_And repeats – how it yells in these ears_

_Don't you know you fool – no chance to win_

_Why not use your mentality_

_Wake up, step up to reality_

_But each time I do just the thought of you makes me stop before I begin_

_Because I've got you_

_You're under my skin_

_And I love you_

_Under my skin)_

When the song ended Hotch had arrived at the hospital – he took a deep breath and got out of the car.

_Tbc_

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**_A/N: Hope you liked it, please REVIEW!  
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	6. Please wake up

**Discs.: I don't own Criminal Minds or the characters!**

**A/N: Another new chapter of my fic, it wasn't corrected by a beta so I'm sorry about any mistake I made...**

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**Broken**

_5.Please, wake up_

When Hotch entered Elle's room he hoped she was awake – but he was being disappointed, she was still unconscious.

He let out a heavy sigh and took a seat next to her. Then he took her hand into his – it was stone-cold and he suddenly wondered if Elle was in pain, he of course knew that she was on medication, but still he kept wondering…

A short moment later his mind traveled back to the day when he first met her in Seattle, when he had first laid eyes on her…It wasn't hard for him to recall the day when he had interviewed her for the opening in the BAU.

She had worn a bright red top under a thin white jacket and blue jeans. Her hair was open, her brown locks were framing her face and she had a gorgeous smile on her lips that let her eyes sparkle. She had hold her head up high, making clear that she knew exactly what she wanted. He had noticed right then that she had two different sides – on the one hand she was tough as nails when it came to her job, but on the other hand you had to notice right away how kind and understanding she was, when you just talked with her for long enough.

He had also sensed that there was something Elle was hiding, but he didn't wanted to push her, he knew that she trusted him – at least he knew she had trusted him – he was sure she would tell him when she felt it was the right time to do so.

He was suddenly interrupted in his reverie when his cell-phone started ringing.

It was Morgan who told him they had a new case.

Hotch kept silent for a moment before he replied : "Sorry, but I'm not feeling well…"

"Okay, I'll tell the others." Morgan told him. Then they both hung up.

_Meanwhile at the office :_

After he had ended the conversation with Hotch, Morgan took a deep breath and told the others what their boss had said.

"He is not going to come…"

The others looked surprised at him.

"Maybe he wants to spend some time with his family…Or he wants to catch up on sleep?" Reid mused.

"I seriously doubt that." Gideon stated. He was pretty sure that Hotch was right now in the hospital at Elle's bedside, but he kept quiet – it wasn't his place to judge.

_At Hotch's place, 1 am:_

Haley was still up, waiting for her husband to come home, but somehow she sensed that she was going to be disappointed in her hopes – again…

When she started to think of the last few weeks, her eyes welled up with tears.

It was starting to really getting to her that her husband had changed so much. She had thought that everything would return to normal during Aaron's vacation – but then it was interrupted by that case, one of his colleagues had been shot and everything went from bad to worse between them…

She was feeling so helpless, she was even wondering if there was actually still a way to save her marriage.

_Back at the hospital :_

Hotch had once again lost all sense of time, while watching Elle and thinking about all those things that haunted him.

He knew that it had been wrong to tell Gideon about his feelings for Elle, but – as so many times before – he had spoken once more without thinking.

It was killing him to see Elle lying like this on a hospital-bed – she was looking so vulnerable and he just felt like he couldn't take it any longer. All the pain and guilt he felt was unbearable – and he also felt conflicted because of his feelings for Elle. Hotch was to one-hundred percent sure that he still loved his wife, but he couldn't deny what he felt for his gorgeous, brunette subordinate anymore either.

How had he been able to believe that he could control his feelings for her better if she worked for him?

_On a plane to Pittsburgh :_

While on their way to their new case, the team discussed the odd behavior of their boss.

"What have you meant when you said that you are seriously doubting that Hotch came to his senses and went home after work?" JJ asked.

She as well as Reid and Morgan looked expectantly to Gideon, waiting for an answer.

"Why should he? I mean, we all noticed how much he has changed – and that he spends as much time as possible at the hospital…And unfortunately I doubt that this is going to change anytime soon…" came the blunt response.

After a moment of silence Gideon ordered : "Lets get back to work – okay? It's not our place to judge…"

_The next morning :_

The team was still very busy with working on the case, when Gideon's cell phone started ringing. He took a quick look onto the caller's id and hurried to answer.

"Hey Jason, I know you're probably very busy, but I just wanted to ask if you know what's wrong with Aaron…"

While listening, Gideon had went to one of the empty offices to be able to talk with Haley without anyone listening. He took another deep breath before answering :

"You know, Haley, the last time had been pretty tough for him. He just needs time to figure out how to deal with all of it…"

"You're probably right. But sometimes I just feel so helpless…He has changed so much, he spends more and more time away from home. I know that there is something bothering him now for months – but he won't talk with me. And when he is at home he seems far away with his mind. At the beginning of his vacation I had thought that everything would work itself out, when he has just the chance to relax a bit from the stress of his job, but then he received this mysterious call and short after he had to leave for Jamaica because of that case…And now he doesn't even come home at night anymore…There are even moments when I think there could be another woman – and then I realize how ridiculous this is, because Aaron could never do something like this to me… I just have no idea what to do, I don't know how to deal with this anymore…"

Gideon closed his eyes for a moment and told Aaron's wife : "Listen Haley, you know Aaron – he feels responsible for his colleagues, and he feels like it was his fault that one of them was shot…Just give him some time to realize that it wasn't his mistake…"

They kept talking for a short while before ending their conversation.

Before Gideon went back to the others he thought for a moment about what he and Haley had talked about. He was feeling guilty for lying to her – he knew exactly that Hotch seemed to have pretty strong feelings for Elle. He still couldn't believe that Aaron had kept this for so long from him….

_Two days later, back at DC :_

Hotch was still sitting in Elle's room when Morgan came to visit her. Morgan noticed the moment he entered the room that Hotch hadn't been home for days. For a moment he wasn't sure if his boss was actually aware of his presence. But when Hotch lifted his head Morgan didn't knew what to say.

After a moment of silence Hotch asked : "What are you doing here?"

Morgan was too surprised to answer right away, but Hotch went on anyway : "How can you dare to show up here?!"

While saying this Hotch got up and walked to Morgan.

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

Instead of giving Morgan an answer Hotch only ordered : "Go! Just leave, you got that?!"

Morgan just looked at his boss for a moment, surprised by Hotch's rage, but then he just turned and left, knowing it was pointless to argue with Hotch.

After Morgan had left Hotch kept standing for a little while before he sat down again. He of course knew that it hadn't been wise to yell at Morgan, but he was still so angry because of what Morgan had done.

_At the office :_

When Morgan finally arrived at the office he was still horrible angry because of the way Hotch had behaved toward him.

While walking to the break-room to get some coffee he nearly run into Reid who hurried to get to the conference-room.

A few minutes later Morgan entered the conference-room, still an angry grimace on the face.

"What's wrong, Morgan?" Reid asked.

"Well, I'm really starting to wonder what the hell is wrong with Hotch!"

The others looked at him with curiosity, waiting for an explanation.

"I went to the hospital to see how Elle is doing this morning – and I had only entered the room when he started yelling at me…He practically kicked me out of her room!"

The others were left speechless.

A moment later they started the briefing.

_Back at the hospital :_

Hotch got up to get a cup of coffee, but only a few moments passed, before his mind traveled back to the room he just left.

He yearned so badly for being close to her…But he als o knew that he had to go home some time soon. He hadn't seen his wife and son for days…

So he went back to Elle's room to say good-bye to her – at least for a short time.

When he came home, Haley greeted him with a warm, but worried smile.

"Hey Aaron, where have you been all the time? I was worried about you…"

Hotch just stared at his wife, and she went on, while walking up to him : "I missed you…"

When she was standing in front of him, her facial expression softened, her eyes were once again filling with emotions such as pain, worry and sadness, she leaned up to kiss him, but he didn't reacted to it in the way she had assumed he would, instead he turned his head away from her, an for her unreadable expression on the face, when his mind went back to Elle.

Haley stepped back taking in her husband's appearance – the circles under his eyes were even darker than when she had last seen him, his face was unshaven, his hair tousled and his suit was totally crumpled – she had _never_seen him like this ever before and it was hurting her so much…

"You know that I'm always there if you need someone to talk to, right? Please open up to me, Aaron…I'm worried about you, you changed so much in the last time and I just don't know what to do anymore. I love you and I couldn't deal with loosing you – it would kill me to lose you!"

She looked at him, tears in her eyes and Hotch just couldn't take it any longer so he just said quietly : "I'm sorry, but I just can't handle this right now…"

With that he turned around and left.

When the door had closed Haley broke down into tears.

_Meanwhile :_

Hotch was feeling horrible for how he had behaved in front of his wife, but what should he tell her? That he spent every free moment at the hospital next to his unconscious colleague? Or maybe even that he had feelings for another woman?! It would break her heart and he knew that…

When he arrived at the hospital he first got himself a coffee, before he finally went to Elle's room. He was quite surprised to meet Gideon outside of the room.

"What are you doing here, Gideon?"

"I think we need to talk…"

Hotch just looked annoyed at him instead of replying, so Gideon went on :

"Morgan told me what happened this morning…"

"Really?" Hotch answered sarcastically.

"Yeah, why the hell have you done this?"

"He has _no _right to come here – not after what he did to her…"

"What do you mean?" Gideon was curious.

"They were a couple for a few weeks – he cheated on her…"

"That doesn't give _you _the right to behave like this…Listen, Hotch, why don't you go home and get some rest?"

"I can't – not until I know that she is okay…And by the way I just have been there.."

Jason gave him a skeptical glance, taking his friend's appearance.

"Yeah, but I couldn't deal with the way Haley looked at me – not right now…" It was obvious how desperate Aaron was.

She wanted to know what's wrong, but what am I supposed to reply when she asks something like this? That I spend as much time as possible here at the hospital, hoping that my colleague wakes up? Or that I feel horrible conflicted, because I have feelings for another woman? I _can't _do this to her…"

"Aaron, you have to come to terms about this…Haley is horrible worried about you – as well as everyone else…You have to come to your senses Hotch! – Or you are going to lose everything…"

"I just don't know what to do anymore...You know, since I first met her I can't stop thinking about her, when we came back to DC that day, I saw her file on my desk, her request for the open position – and without thinking I called her, inviting her for an interview…She really impressed me with the way she made clear that she really wanted this job – and I was just too willing to give in to her request, because I just needed her close to me – at all costs…I thought when she worked with me I could be alright with being only friends – I know how pathetic and stupid that idea was, but I think I just went into denial, I only knew one thing - that I love Haley and that I just can't risk loosing my family…But then there was this incident in Texas and when it was over, when everything had sunk in – I realized how pointless it was to keep denying that she could never be only a friend to me, I realized just then that I was actually in denial concerning my _real _feelings for her and that I can't lose her either…" Hotch let his head hang.

After a moment of silence he lifted his head and asked quietly : "Do you think someone can love two persons?"

He looked at Gideon. Before Jason was able to reply his cell phone started ringing. While answering the call he lifted his right hand, signaling Hotch to wait for a moment. When he had finished the conversation on the phone he told Hotch :

"We have a new case…Listen Hotch – go home, your family needs you and you need some sleep." With that Gideon turned and left.

Aaron kept standing for little while longer before entering Elle's room. When he took in her slim figure his facial expression softened and he whispered :

"I'm back Elle…"

He sat down and took her small hand into his, and his mind went back to the night after they had closed the case.

_Flashback :_

He had decided to let the paperwork wait for the time being. He called Haley and told her that the case was closed and that she and Jack could go home now. Afterward he drove to Elle's place.

He took in the reminders of what he had let happen to her. He decided to tidy up her apartment – to erase it from their memories…

Hotch had spent the whole night there…

_End flashback_

But suddenly he was interrupted in his train of thought, when he felt the hand he was holding moving timidly. He was so surprised that he nearly jumped up from his seat. He hold his breath not able to believe that Elle was finally waking up.

Even when she opened her eyes he was sure he was dreaming.

He kept quiet for a moment, giving her the time to get aware of her surroundings, then he said quietly :

"Hey Elle…"

She turned her head toward him and took in his appearance.

"What happened to you? You are looking like a three weeks old news-paper…"

He tried to smile, but failed so he just replied :

"I'm sorry…"

"For what?"

"For what I let happen to you…"

Elle's facial expression changed to a sad one, and Hotch let his head drop – she she lost her trust in him, she was never going to forgive him.

"Hotch look at me." Elle smiled softly and gestured him to sit down next to her on the bed.

When he did so, she slowly sat up.

"Listen Hotch, it wasn't your fault that this happened – you couldn't have known…You don't need to feel responsible for what happened."

"I sent you right into his trap – I got you almost killed…"

He looked at her and, when he saw her smile, he lifted slowly his right hand and stroked softly her cheek, then he let it slide through her hair and whispered :

"I'm so happy that you finally woke up…" With that he pulled her close to him.

When she started crying he pulled her even closer and told her quietly :

"It's okay…Everything is going to get alright again," while she clung to him in a desperate need and he quietly assured her :

"I'm here and I won't go anywhere…"

And finally he let go as well – he released his guilt and pain together with his tears, because he felt that it was okay – that she was going to understand without judging….

_Meanwhile :_

The team was standing outside, watching their two colleagues. They had decided to go to the hospital after they had closed the case.

Now they watched how their colleague clung to their boss, who hold her as if his life depended on it – but what was surprising them most of all was the fact that there were tears running down the face of their supervisor.

_The next noon :_

When Gideon entered the hospital-room, Hotch looked up – and for the first time he smiled again…

"She woke up…"

"I know…Did you made up your mind, Hotch?"

Hotch's smile faded, he looked first at Elle's sleeping for, then he turned his head back to Jason. He was looking sadly at his friend and replied :

"I can't – it's impossible, I just can't choose…I love Haley, but I can't deny my feelings for her either." While saying these last words he glanced at Elle again.

Short after that conversation Jason left again.

_A few hours late :_

When Elle woke up this time, Hotch smiled at her.

"How are you doing, Elle?"

She returned the smile and told him : "I'm okay…Why are you still here – USN't Haley probably waiting for you?"

Hotch smiled sadly before he answered :

"I don't want you to be alone…"

"Go I'm going to be fine. You need some rest!"

"You are probably right…Are you sure?"

Elle nodded, one of her gorgeous smiles on her face – her eyes sparkling. She had sat up on her bed while Hotch got up. He took in the way she looked at him – and he couldn't resist the temptation any longer…So he leaned in and kissed her – at first softly and tenderly, but then their kiss turned more and more passionate. He wound his hand into Elle's hair while sitting down next to her on her bed. He knew that this was an unique thing so he laid all his feelings for her into this one kiss.

When he broke the kiss, he realized what he had just done.

"Listen Elle, I'M sorry – I don't know what I've been thinking…" He looked at her.

She lifted her right hand and silenced him with pressing softly her index-finger against his lips and whispered softly :

"It's okay – really Aaron…" She had never called him by his first name before.

She smiled warmly at him, and went on : You should go now - Haley is waiting for you. And, as far as I can judge, you haven't been home for days…"

"Okay, I'm going to be back soon…" With that he got up from the bed and left.

_At Hotch's place :_

Haley had just taken a seat in the living-room, after tugging Jack in, when she heard the front-door being opened. She got up hoping to get Aaron to open up to her.

"Hey honey," she greeted her husband.

"Haley, listen I'm sorry about…"

"It's okay Aaron, the last time had been really tough on you. And don't dare to tell me that this is 'no excuse', okay? A colleague of yours was shot, she nearly died – and that is quite a good reason to act strange! How is she by the way?"

"She woke up…" And Haley saw her husband smiling for the first time since nearly two weeks.

"That are good news!" Haley smiled at Aaron, she stepped up to him and kissed him softly onto his lips.

"I love you, Aaron."

"I know…" He pulled his wife into a hug, what caused her to miss the sad expression on his face.

"Everything is going to be alright now soon again…" Haley smiled brightly at her husband. Who smiled back – unable to stop thinking about Elle, who he still tasted on his lips…And somehow he knew that there was no turning back anymore – that there was no way for him to forget what happened that afternoon…

_Tbc_

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_**A/N: I hope you liked it...Please take the time to review...** _


	7. Irresolution is painful

**Discs.: I don't own the show nor its characters!**

**A/N: I know it took quite a while but here is (finally) the new chapter...Thank goes to Damned Lolita for correcting this chapter...**

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Broken**

_6. Irresolution is painful_

When Hotch lay next to Haley that night, he tried to comprehend the events of the last few days. He couldn't get the kiss out of his mind. He realized that he won't be able to find to sleep, so he got up from bed. After he got ready for work, he wrote a note to let his wife know where he was.

_30 minutes later:_

Elle was totally lost in her thoughts. She was still thinking about Hotch, wondering what the kiss had meant for both of them, when she was interrupted by a soft knock against her door. She looked up and smiled when she saw Hotch standing in the doorway smiling back at her. He entered the room and sat down on a chair next to her bed.

"How are you doing, Elle?" He looked softly at her.

"I'm alright...What are you doing here?"

She was curious, but also glad that he was there. He got up from the chair and sat down on her bed. Then he lifted his left hand and let his fingers slide through her hair.

She simply looked him into the eyes, enjoying his proximity. Hotch pulled her close to him, and she leaned against him, resting her head on his shoulder.

"You shouldn't be here..."

Elle lifted her head and looked at him.

"I know...But I wanted to see you before going to work."

His cell phone started ringing. It was Gideon, who told him that they had a new case.

"Sorry, I have to get to the office..."

He looked at Elle.

"New case?"

He nodded, and then he leaned in and kissed her softly.

"Aaron..."

"I should better go now..."

He got up and left.

_At the office:_

Hotch was lost in his thoughts as he arrived at the office. He went straight to the conference room for the briefing about the new case.

"So, what do we have?"

Hotch looked at his team.

"Not much...Five lawyers were killed in Portland. They went to the same college - except of that there are no obvious links between them." Morgan stated.

"They were shot into the face - that's personal, maybe someone from their past? Furthermore the UnSub left similar messages at all the scenes 'Everybody gets what he deserves one day - and now it is time for payback.' It was certainly someone they knew." Reid pointed out.

"We should get ready to leave — take-off is in 20." Gideon let them know.

Hotch let out a heavy sigh. He knew that it was probably best for him to get some distance between him and his problems. Still, it was tough for him to work on a case so far away from DC – from Elle...He wasn't happy about the fact that he won't be able to see Elle when he wanted to do so — but his team needed him. Furthermore Elle was feeling better so he didn't need to worry about her...

_On the plane:_

Hotch was sitting in one corner of the jet unable to focus onto the conversation of his team about the case, once more his mind was filled with thoughts about Elle.

After a while Gideon approached him and sat down next to his friend. Quietly, he said, "Hey, you want to share your thoughts?"

Hotch smirked. "Not really..."

"Let me guess, it's Elle that you think about, right?"

"I did something very stupid - which is going to make the whole situation even more complicated."

"What happened?"

"It doesn't matter."

"Really?" Gideon looked doubtfully at Hotch.

"Sometimes I wish I could simply make a decision - but I can't and it makes me feel horrible. And whenever I'm at home I feel guilty because Haley doesn't deserve to be treated like this...I just don't have any clue what to do about it..."

Hotch let out a heavy sigh.

"Well, you need to find a solution for this problem."

Gideon looked at Hotch.

"I know that, but it isn't that easy..."

Hotch's cell phone started ringing. He took a look onto the caller's id and answered the call.

"Hey. What's up?"

"I just wanted to know how you are..." Haley said.

"I'm okay..."

"Are you at the office?"

"No. We've got a new case in Portland..."

"Oh. Be careful, okay?"

"Sure...How's Jack?"

"He's fine, except maybe of the fact that he fell onto his butt when he tried to walk..."

A smile appeared on Hotch's face.

"Aaron?"

"Yeah. Uhm, I've got to go..."

"Bye."

"Bye."

He hung up. Once again he realized what a messed up situation he had gotten himself into. He would never be able to make a decision. There was no right choice - he loved and needed them both...

_Tbc_

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**A/N: Hope you liked it...Please take the time to REVIEW!**


	8. Dreams and doubts

**Discs.: I don't own the show nor the characters!**

**A/N: I finally got to upload this new chapter - but it wasn't corrected by any beta...I'm sorry if there are any remaining mistakes in it...**

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Broken

_7. Dreams and doubts_

Hotch and the team had just come back from Portland. After they had finished their reports Morgan had the idea to get some drinks, but Hotch declined telling them that he had other plans. Even if they knew that he would probably go to see Elle they hoped he would go home.

_Twenty minutes later :_

When he arrived at the hospital a smile appeared on his face. It had only been three days they had spent in Portland, but for him it felt like eternity. He was happy to be able to see Elle again, it had been far too long...

But the moment he entered her room the smile disappeared and he went pale. The room was completely empty, the bed was made - and there was no sign of Elle. At first he checked if it was the right room, but of course it was - he had been there too often to go to the wrong room. He tried to fight back the rising panic then he turned around and approached a nurse.

"Excuse me?"

The woman looked at him.

"What is it?"

"I'm searching for a patient, her name is Elle Greenaway."

"Well, it's my first day but if you tell me the name of her doctor..."

"It's doctor Taylor."

"Okay, I'm going to call him, just a moment."

_A few minutes later :_

"Mr Hotchner, I'm Dr Taylor."

They shoke hands.

"I'm looking for Elle Greenaway. Was she transferred to another room?"

"Uhm, no. You probably should take a seat." He indicated a chair, but Hotch kept standing and looked questioning at the doctor.

"Unfortunately she had a surprising pulmonary embolism...There was nothing we could do, I'm sorry..."

"When did it happen?"

"Five hours ago."

The doctor gave him a sympathetic glance.

"Can I see her?"

Hotch tried to keep up his composure.

The doctor nodded.

"Please follow me..."

_5 minutes later_

Dr Taylor let him alone with Elle so that he could say good-bye.

"I'm so sorry, Elle...I wish I had been here instead of working on that case in Portland..."

His eyes welled up with tears. He let his fingers slide through Elle's hair. The tears were now running freely over his face. After a moment Hotch felt the rising anger. He knew that in case someone else was in the room he would probably start punching this person. The pain he felt was almost unbearable. But he also felt guilty , not only because he hadn't been there when she died, but also because he still felt like it had been his fault that Elle had been shot in the first place. Suddenly he realized that she would never find out now...And it was hurting like hell...He wished he had told her after she had woken up; but he hadn't - and now it was too late!

"You know, there was something I wanted - needed - to tell you; but I just couldn't find the courage to do so...I guess, I was afraid of the consequences it could have if I told you...I mean, I'm married, I have a little son - not to mention that I am - was - your boss...And now it is too late - you're gone forever; and I actually have no clue how I'm supposed to move on without having you around! The truth is you were so much more for me than just an amazing good coworker or great friend - I loved you..."

He knew he was rambling, he felt like he was suffocating and of course he was aware of the fact that she couldn't hear what he was saying, but he had to get it finally and once and for all out. So he took a deep breath and continued,

"The funny thing is - after I got to know Haley I thought she was the love of my life - we got married and when we found out that she was pregnant I thought that my life couldn't be better. I mean, I have a great wife who accepts my high ambitions, I have a leading position in the FBI - and I was going to be a father...It just seemed so perfect to me - I thought that it would stay like this forever..." He smirked and let out a sarcastic sound.

"But then I met you when we worked on that case in Seattle...When I came back to DC and found your request for a transfer to the BAU only a second passed until I had made up my mind and called you - in the middle of the night - to invite you for an interview. It was like an inner voice was telling me to do so - like I had no other choice...I knew right away that something had changed - but at first I wasn't sure what it was; in fact I simply didn't want to see it at the beginning. You were able to brighten up my days - with just being there...When you were hold hostage on that train it finally hit me - I had fallen for you and there was no turning back anymore...I realized that I needed you like my heart to beat or the air around to breathe..." He let out a heavy sigh and went on.

"When I found out about you and Morgan - after I saw you two kissing - I felt like I had to die. I was so angry at him - at myself, still I couldn't help it...I knew that he was seeing Garcia as well, I wanted to tell you, really, but somehow I couldn't bring myself to doing it...After you got shot I first didn't knew what to do - but then I tried to spent as much time close to you as anyway possible. God, I promised you I would be there for you - that I won't leave. You know, after I had gone home Haley asked me how you were doing. I told her that you woke up and she said that everything was going to be alright again. She sounded so sure and I was just too willing to believe that she was right...But now you are gone! What am I supposed to do now, huh? I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to live without you..." He was crying again, he took her hand into his - it was stone-cold; and he knew it would never get warm again.

"I loved you so much, Elle - even far more than I ever loved Haley...How am I supposed to live without you - knowing full well that it was my own fault that I lost you?" His voice broke, he felt like he was going to break down. For a moment he tried to fight against it but then he just gave up and sank to the ground...

He knew that he would have to tell the others eventually. She had no relatives anymore, so he decided to take care of organizing the funeral...

_A moment later :_

Hotch woke with a start. At first he tried to regain control over his breathing, only then he realized that it had been just a nightmare. He looked at Haley checking if he had woken her up. But it seemed like she was still sleeping. After another moment he got up and went downstairs to get a glass of water. Then he decided to leave to check on Elle - still remembering the dream he had. So he went back upstairs to change into a suit.

_At the hospital :_

When he entered Elle's room he smiled relieved as he saw her sleeping form. He took a seat next to her bed and took her right hand into his own hands, glad to see that Elle was okay. While he watched her sleep his mind went back to the evening when he found out about her and Morgan...

_Flashback :_

They had just closed a tough case. He had went straight to his office to get the paperwork done as soon as possible.

When he looked at his watch he sighed as he saw that it was already past midnight - and he was still far from finished. He noticed how tired he was; so he got up to get some coffee.

After he had silently opened the door he noticed that Morgan and Elle were still there as well. He was on the best way to go to them and ask what they were still doing at the office, when he saw how Morgan got up and walked up to Elle. When he stood behind her he lifted a hand, brushed her hair over her left shoulder and bent down to kiss her onto her neck.

"Morgan! What if someone sees us?"

He straightened up and replied mockingly : "Wait a sec, does that mean that our tough Elle Greenaway is afraid of something?"

"You think you are quite funny, huh, Morgan?"

"I don't get what your problem is - I mean, it's already so late - we are probably the only ones in the whole building..."

"I just want to keep my private-life out of the office..."

Morgan started to laugh for a moment then he stated, "Don't you think it's a bit late for that realization?"

Elle got up and looked him straight into the eyes. He put an arm around her waist and kissed her again this time onto her lips after a short moment she responded to it with the same passion.

"You're ready to get out of here?"

"Sure..." She grabbed her purse and they went to leave.

Hotch couldn't believe what he had just seen. He was pretty sure that they hadn't even noticed him. He felt the jealousy rising in him - and the anger... He couldn't go home as angry as he was, so he went to the firing range to let off some steam...

After he had calmed down a bit he decided to leave. He went back to his office and got his stuff.

When he had left the parking lot he suddenly changed his mind. He knew that Haley would notice that something was wrong, and he was seriously doubting that he could lie to her this time about the real matter; so he kept driving around - trying to get his head free...

Why had it to be Morgan? Why was he able to have what he himself yearned for so badly - but couldn't have? It was just not fair!

_End flashback :_

When Elle woke up, Hotch glanced at his watch and noticed that he was already sitting at her bedside for three hours. Elle smiled at him.

"So you are back from your case?"

"Apparently...How are you doing, Elle?"

"I'm okay...What's up? I mean, there must be a reason why you are here instead of at home..."

"Well, I thought that you would like to have some company."

They kept silent for a moment and just looked at each other. Elle sat up; sick of lying all the time. Hotch lifted a hand and let his fingers slide through her smooth, brown hair while he was wondering if he should tell her now...But he decided against it.

_At Hotch's place :_

Haley woke up by the sound of a ringing phone. Unwillingly she got up, after a moment she realized that it had been her husband's cell phone which had woken her. Before she was able to answer the call the person had hung up. She sighed, changed into blue jeans and a white shirt, took the cell phone and went downstairs.

After she had finished her breakfast she went to wake Jack. When she had dressed him, she left the house to bring the cell phone to the office.

_At the office :_

When Haley entered the bullpen she met JJ.

"Hello Mrs Hotchner. Can I help you somehow?"

"No. I just wanted to bring Aaron his cell phone."

"Uhm, he isn't in yet...But if you want I can give it to him when he comes."

"Okay, thanks." Haley gave her the phone and left.

_Back at the hospital :_

"Well,I should better get to the office now."

Hotch looked at Elle.

"You're probably right..."

She smiled at him. He got up but before he left he bent down and kissed her once more. When they broke the kiss they locked eyes - and were instantly lost in the moment.

After some time he forced himself to finally say : "Bye."

"Bye..." Elle replied quietly.

Then Hotch left.

_Twenty five minutes later :_

Hotch was deep in thought when he arrived at Quantico. He went straight to his office.

He could kick himself for his cowardness. He should have finally told her. That nightmare should have been a wake up call for him. There was nothing he needed to worry about when he told her, right? What if she didn't feel the same? He would make a complete fool out of himself...But on the other hand if that was really the case why would she respond to his kisses and tender touches the way she did?

Only a few minutes passed until he was interrupted in his thoughts when someone knocked against his door.

"Yeah?"

The door opened and JJ entered the room.

"What's up? Do we have a new case?"

He looked at her.

"Yes." She handed him a file, "And, uh, your wife was here. She asked me to give you this."

JJ pulled out an item and gave it to Hotch.

"My cell phone?"

"Seems you forgot it at home..." JJ smiled.

"Thanks."

"You're welcome. When do you want to start the briefing?"

"Tell the others to meet at the Round Table room in ten minutes."

"Got it." JJ left.

Hotch stared at his cell phone for a moment, then he decided to take a look through the case-file to get prepared for the briefing.

He was glad when he saw that it was a case in DC.

_At the conference room :_

"Okay, what do we know so far?" Hotch asked as he entered the room.

"Not much - ten victims, no links between them - they have nothing in common as far as we know. The CSU hasn't found anything useful - no DNA, no fingerprints - nothing!" Gideon summarized.

"Any witnesses?"

"Nope." Reid stated.

"Any interesting aspects concerning the MO?"

"All victims were raped and tortured. Then they were killed brutally..." Morgan told Hotch.

"Okay Gideon and Morgan take a look at the crime scenes - the pictures are great, but maybe you find something else. Reid and JJ could you please talk with the agents of the Violent Crimes Unit in DC. That would be all for now."

Hotch took the file and left.

_Thirty-five minutes later :_

"I thought you were at the office...Don't you have any cases to work on?" Elle asked when she saw Hotch standing in the door way but still she smiled happily.

"Actually, I'm here because of our new case."

Hotch took a seat on the chair next to her bed. She sat up and he handed her the case-file.

"Listen Elle, you don't have to do this..."

He looked at her.

"No, it's okay. I'm glad to be able to help."

She looked through the file, after a moment she said :

"What else do you have yet?"

Elle looked at Hotch.

"Almost nothing. Anything you can tell me about the sexual aspect of the murders?"

"You know what's odd? Usually sexual motivated criminals have a preference concerning their victim's type. I mean, in most cases the crimes are related to someone they know and for them it is like it's the same victim over and over again, right? But this guy_ - _he makes no difference between white, black, Asian, no matter what age - he doesn't even care if his victim is male or female. I never came across a case like this...If you don't find a link between the victims, it's going to be almost impossible to catch this guy."

Hotch sighed.

"You're right - unfortunately. Thanks for your help anyways."

"By the way, I'm going to be released in four days..."

"Really?" Hotch smiled.

"Yeah."

His cell phone started ringing.

"What's up?"

He listened for a moment then he hung up,

"I gotta go. We might have a lead so I need to get to the office."

"Okay, bye."

"Bye."

They shared a smile, then he got up and left.

_Back at the office :_

"Where have you been?" Gideon asked as Hotch entered the conference room.

"At the hospital."

The others looked surprised at him.

"Do I get that right? You went to see Elle?!" Gideon stared at Hotch.

"Yes, I went to see Elle and asked her for her opinion. I mean, she is the expert when it comes down to sexual crimes. But there's nothing she was able to tell me what we haven't known before."

"How is she doing?" JJ asked.

"Except of the fact that she's pretty bored, she's doing great. She's actually going to be released in a couple of days. You said you might have found a lead?"

"Yep. There might be a link between the victims. They have all been on the jury in a trial against the mob in NYC. They found the guy not guilty. The brother of the murdered girl swore to take revenge - so everyone involved got Witness Protection. That's why we first were unable to find a connection between them." Morgan told them.

"What was the case about?"

"We don't know details yet. But Gracia tries to get access to the case-files..." Morgan added.

"Anything else?"

"Nope."

"How much of this case has gone to the media?"

"Not much..."

"Good. Talk with the agents in DC and tell them to keep quiet about the case."

Hotch looked at JJ.

She nodded, "Got it."

The team parted and Hotch went to his office.

_At the evening :_

Hotch went to the bullpen.

"Anything new?"

The others shook their heads. Hotch thought for a moment then he stated,

"Okay, everyone. It's pointless to sit around here at the office waiting for news so I think it would be best if we take a break and go home..."

Everyone nodded grateful and packed up their stuff. Hotch as well got ready to leave.

_At Hotch's place :_

When Hotch opened the door he heard a noise from the kitchen, so he went there. He entered quietly the room and watched for a moment his wife, who was busy making dinner. Then he went to her and said :

"Hey honey."

"You're quite early..."

Haley turned toward him.

"I know. But I thought you would be happy if I come home early..."

They locked eyes.

"You feel bad for just vanishing last night?"

"What do you mean?"

"Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about...You had a nightmare last night - don't even try to deny it, you woke me up with your scream. You got up, a few minutes later you came back, got dressed and left. When I got up - after your cell phone, which you forgot here, woke me - and I went to your office to give it to you I was told that you were not there. So where have you been all the time?!"

Hotch thought for a moment then he sighed and replied :

"I just drove around. I mean you are right - I had a nightmare and I wanted to get my head free. Is that a problem for you?"

"You changed so much in the last time. Sometimes I wonder if the man I once married is still existing. I mean, you are barely at home and when you are there you're not really talking with me. I see how your job is getting to you and it hurts so goddamn much - but you keep putting more and more distance between you and me..."

Haley looked at him, tears running down her face. He stepped up to her and drew her into an embrace.

"God Haley, I'm sorry. The last time had been pretty tough - I know that's no excuse but..."

She looked him straight into his eyes.

"Listen Aaron, I know that it has really gotten to you when your colleague was shot - and it's so unbelievable hard for me to see you suffering like this - even more because I feel so helpless...Why can't you just open up to me?"

"I wish it was that simple - but it isn't...The things I see everyday at work..."

"Then why don't you transfer to another unit?"

"Because - as unbelievable it maybe sounds - I love my job..."

"I know, but it is no good for you..."

"Haley, I know what you mean, but..."

He was interrupted by the ringing of his cell phone.

"Hey Morgan, what's up?"

"Garcia has finally access to the case-files."

"You are still at the office?"

"No. I forgot something at the office so I had to get back. And then Garcia told me she has access to the files now."

"Okay. Can you call the others?"

"Sure."

They hung up and Hotch looked at Haley.

"Sorry, I have to get back to the office."

He went upstairs, showered and got dressed in a fresh suit in record time, then he left.

After Hotch had left Haley let out a heavy sigh. It was always the same - they were talking or had plans, his cell phone rang and he had to go - it was really frustrating...But still she loved him more than anything else. - Nothing would ever be able to change this!

_At the office :_

As Hotch entered the conference room he was relieved that the rest of his team was already there as well.

"So, what did Garcia find?" He started the briefing without any introduction.

"Well, first of all the killed girl, Maria Jones, 23, was raped and killed in the same way as the victims of our case." Morgan filled them in.

"Given the fact that her brother made clear that he wants revenge it's understandable that he makes them go through the same horror that his sister had had to endure." Gideon stated.

"Why was the killer found innocent?" Reid asked.

"He was Maria's boyfriend. He convinced them that someone wanted to get back at him, abducted Maria and did all of this to her. There was no real evidence against Enrique Sanchez - he had an alibi, which checked out..." Morgan went on.

"Do we have a list of the names of those involved who are still alive?" Hotch wanted to know.

"Yes, they are going to be brought in any second..."

"Good."

_Four hours later :_

After they had questioned everyone they got a call from the MPD. Some cops had been able to arrest Alan Jones - for speeding...

When they were finished interrogating him and he had confessed all his crimes Hotch and the others met up again.

"Good work everyone!" Hotch stated, glad that they had been able to close the case.

Not much later the team left the office, everyone looking forward to get some more sleep that night.

Hotch decided to let Elle know that they had closed the case.

_At the hospital :_

When he arrived Elle was sleeping so he decided to wait 'til she woke up. After some time he got up and went to get himself some coffee. As he came back ten minutes later nothing had changed, so he just sat down again. After taking a few sips of his coffee Hotch realized how tired he was. His eyelids got heavier by every passing second, so he simply surrendered after some time. He rested his head carefully on her abdomen and not even a half minute later he had fallen asleep.

_A half hour later :_

As Elle woke up she immediately noticed the weight resting upon her, so she sat carefully up and saw Hotch - deep asleep.

She smiled, wondering why he was already back at the hospital. On the other hand she enjoyed really every moment he spent around her...

Not much later she felt him stir, still she hoped he wouldn't wake up yet.

She had noticed the moment she had woken up in the hospital for the first time that Hotch felt responsible for what had happened to her. Everybody knew that it hadn't been his fault - but it was just one of his habits to care so much for his team...

He seemed so tired - yet she saw how the dark circles under his eyes started to vanish slowly since she woke up.

Elle lifted her right hand and let her fingers slide through his short black hair. When she pulled her hand back he grabbed her wrist. Elle let out a scream and Hotch woke with a start.

He looked for a moment at Elle, then at his hand which was still holding her wrist and back again. After another short moment he let go of her and looked her straight into the eyes. Once again Elle saw all the pain and regret in his eyes and it hurt her to see him suffering like this.

"I'm sorry that I hurt you..." He let his head drop.

"Hotch look at me." After he had done what she had asked for, Elle went on,

"Listen Hotch, you haven't hurt me - ever - you could never hurt me!"

"I heard you scream..." He looked sadly at her.

"I didn't scream because it hurt, I was just totally surprised, that's all, really! I thought you were sleeping...I didn't consider you would react..." She smiled at him.

He gave her a sceptical glance.

"Believe me - you could never hurt me - especially not on purpose..."

He lifted a hand and let his fingers slide through her hair, then he stated :

"If you say so..." They locked eyes.

_Three days later :_

Hotch had hurried to get his paperwork done to get to the hospital as soon as possible.

When he entered Elle's room he smiled as he saw her reading a fashion magazine.

"Hey..."

Elle looked up, she smiled and stated : "Hey."

"You're ready to leave?"

"Sure as hell, I'm ready to get outta here!"

"Oh, before I forget, Haley told me to invite you for dinner this evening."

"That's really nice, but do you think that's a good idea?"

"I know what you mean, but if you decline she will keep asking until she gets what she wants..."

"Okay, if you say so..." They shared a smile and left the hospital.

_At Hotch's place :_

Haley had just tugged Jack in and was on her way back downstairs as she heard the front-door open. She hurried to welcome her husband and their guest.

After shaking hands with Elle she gave Hotch a soft kiss onto the cheek, then she stated :

"Uhm, dinner isn't ready yet, so why don't you two take a seat in the living-room?"

"Sure..." Hotch and Haley exchanged a smile, while Elle felt sort of lost - unsure how to behave around them.

A moment later Haley went back to the kitchen and Hotch led Elle to the living-room. After they had both taken a seat, Hotch offered Elle a drink which she accepted gratefully.

When he had sat down next to her again, they looked at one another and got instantly lost in each other's eyes.

_Twenty minutes later :_

As Haley went to tell Hotch and Elle that dinner was ready, she kept standing in the door-way

and watched her husband and his colleague.

They were sitting close - though not _too _close - to each other, talking, their eyes locked with each other - they seemed totally lost in each other's presence.

"So how is everyone?" Elle asked.

"They are doing okay...Especially now that you are out of hospital." They smiled at each other.

A short moment passed then she saw him lift his hand to Elle's head and brush a strand of hair out of her face. Elle closed her eyes for a second then she looked back up into his eyes. It took Hotch all his strength not to kiss Elle in that moment, the expression in her eyes, the soft smile on her lips made his longing increase every passing second - but he knew he had to fight against it, given the fact that Haley could enter the room any moment...

Haley walked finally up to them, pretending she had just entered the room.

"Well, we can eat..."

Hotch and Elle turned toward Haley and got up, following her to the dining-room.

After they had all taken a seat at the table and started eating they were quiet for some time.

Haley was quite proud of herself - the meal was perfect and while watching her husband and Elle a smile appeared on her face. They seemed both totally at ease, every now and then they exchanged a glance - Haley was happy about how this was going at first she had been slightly worried it would get sort of awkward for her husband to have one of his colleagues there for dinner - not even Jason visited him at home and they knew each other for years...

Some time later Haley and Elle started a light conversation while Hotch focused his attention on eating. He knew Haley - and the current expression in her eyes - good enough to know that she liked Elle and considered her already as a potential friend.

He had to admit that the main part of his attention was focused on Elle and he felt sort of guilty for it, still he pretended that he enjoyed the evening...

_Over an hour later :_

When Hotch left with Elle to bring her home he let out a relieved sigh as soon as the front-door had been closed behind them. The ride to Elle's place passed in perfect silence.

_At Elle's place :_

After Hotch had stopped the car they looked at each other and Elle asked hesistantly :

"Do you want to come in for a moment?"

Hotch only nodded, they shared a warm smile and got out of the car. While they walked to the door and Elle unlocked it, Hotch heard a little voice telling him that it was such a really bad idea to go in with Elle, it was just too dangerous, given his feelings for her...

When Elle had finally opened the door Hotch simply followed her in - ignoring the inner voice which almost yelled at him to turn around and leave to get home - to his wife.

The first thing Elle noticed was that the blood had vanished. She gave Hotch a grateful glance, knowing somehow that it had been him who had cleaned up her place.

While Elle went to make coffee Hotch followed her to the kitchen. Before she was able to even turn on the coffee-maker Hotch pushed her against the wall, kissing her hard.

Elle responded immediately with the same passion. As Hotch started to lead her to her bedroom, she gave him a questioning glance...He just smiled at her and kissed her another time.

As they reached the bedroom they started undressing each other, both lost in each other's presence.

She pulled off his jacket, loosened his tie, letting both fall to the ground and started undoing the buttons of his shirt while he pulled her top over her head and let it drop.

Elle started unbuckling his belt, and pulled off his trousers and boxers.

They shared another passionate kiss and he opened her jeans and pulled them down, together with her panties.

Hotch drew her closer, kissing her, his hands wound in her hair.

A moment later he pushed her onto the bed. When he saw the scar on her chest the anger rushed back, he felt once more like it had been his fault...He kissed her hard as he entered her roughly.

_One and a half hours later :_

As they lay next to each other, trying to regain control over their breathing, Hotch started to fully realize what he had just done. He turned his head toward her and stated :

"Listen Elle, I'm sorry for treating..."

"It's okay..." Elle looked at him and reassured him,

"Really, Hotch, it's okay."

"Elle, I didn't mean to..." He was kept from finishing his statement when Elle kissed him softly.

He drew her closer to him, deepening the kiss, which became more passionate by every passing second.

_Some time later :_

Hotch kissed Elle and drew her as close as possible. Then he looked at her, straight into the eyes, searching for any sign of regret in them. But he found none.

Elle smiled for a moment at him, then she snuggled closer to him and rested her head on his chest, closing her eyes. He put his arms around her, a smile appeared on his face, he enjoyed Elle's proximity so much and he was just so happy about the fact that Elle was out of hospital.

They had both almost fallen asleep, when his cell phone started ringing. Elle moved to grab the item from the ground, but Hotch hold her back.

"Don't..."

She got the phone and hold it in front of his face.

"You should answer the call - maybe it's important."

He took the item from her hands and said : "Hotchner..."

"Hey it's me, where are you, Aaron? I'm sort of worried..."

"Oh Haley, uhm, I'm at the office...I just remembered that there is some paperwork which has to be done by tomorrow evening and who knows if I will have the time to finish it tomorrow...I'm sorry that I didn't call..."

"Okay, bye - and don't work too much..."

"Yeah, goodnight..."

Hotch hung up and put the cell phone onto the nightstand then he pulled Elle closer to him again. A few minutes later they both had fallen asleep.

_The next morning :_

As Elle woke up it took her a while before she remembered what had happened between her and Hotch. Only then she noticed that he was still holding her in his arms. A smile appeared on her face.

Hotch was already awake for a while. It had taken some time before he had fully realized what he had done...He had cheated on his wife - with Elle...

Of course he felt bad for it, but still he couldn't bring himself to regretting it, at first he thought it had been only a dream, but then he got aware of the fact that it was real.

A moment later he felt Elle stir, he lifted his right hand and let his fingers slide through her hair. When she opened her eyes, Hotch smiled at her and kissed her softly.

"Morning." Elle smiled back at him.

"Good morning yourself..."

They shared another kiss then they smiled once more at each other.

"How do you feel about taking a shower and having a delicious breakfast afterwards?" Hotch looked questioning at her.

"Sounds good to me..."

They got up and went to the bathroom.

As the hot water ran over their skin Hotch put his arms around Elle, drawing her closer. They shared a passionate kiss, when he bit her neck she started to laugh quietly.

"What's the matter, huh? What's so funny?" While saying that he gave Elle kisses on the forehead after every word.

"It's nothing..."

"Come on..."

"Well, it's just that all of this seems so surreal - like a dream..." Elle looked down and Hotch gave her another soft kiss, "I never thought that you..."

"That I would do something like this?"

He smirked at her and kissed her passionately. Elle put her hands on his neck while he wound his into her hair and pushed her against the wall, deepening their kiss further. When he entered her a moment later Elle wrapped her legs around his waist.

_A while later :_

Hotch put his arms around Elle when they were standing in front of the mirror over the sink. He kissed her onto the side of her neck, then he took the towel which she had wrapped around herself and started rubbing her skin dry, while she closed her eyes.

When she opened them again and looked into the mirror she started shaking and Hotch saw her eyes welling up with tears. As he moved next to her to find out what was bothering her, he noticed that her eyes were trained on the scar on her chest, which she saw in the mirror and it hit him - the image of the scar must have brought back all the horrible memories of what had happened...

Elle tried to fight against the tears but failed. Hotch turned Elle toward him and as the tears broke free he drew her into a tight embrace.

A moment later her legs were unable to hold her up any longer and they sank down to the ground.

Hotch took her towel and wrapped it around her shoulders. Elle leaned closer to him and clung to him as if her life depended on it, while he stroked her back, whispering soothing words into her ear.

"Listen Elle, if you want I can call at the office and tell them that I won't come in today and stay here..."

"No. They need you."

"You need me as well. I don't want you to be alone."

Elle looked up at him and it hurt him to see all the pain in her eyes.

After her sobs had subsided Hotch lifted his one hand to her face and wiped away the traces of her tears.

"What do you think about breakfast?"

Elle looked at him and a small smile appeared on her face as she nodded.

_At the kitchen :_

While they were sitting at the kitchen-table and ate their breakfast Hotch kept watching Elle.

"You know that I meant what I said, right? - One word of you and I will stay here with you..."

"I know, and I really appreciate it, but I think you should go to work..."

They locked eyes with each other.

"Okay, but in case you need anything you call me, alright? And I will be here in no time..."

Elle smiled softly at him and nodded.

When they had finished their breakfast they got up and went to the front-door. Before Hotch finally left he gave Elle a last kiss, they shared a smile and he lifted his one hand, letting his fingers slide through her hair.

"Call me if you need something, okay?

"Yeah..."

_At Hotch's place :_

As Hotch opened the front-door he took a deep breath.

Haley came from the kitchen and approached him, a smile on her face.

"Hey, you're already up?" Hotch looked at her.

"Yeah..." She stepped up to him and gave him a soft kiss.

They both went to take a seat at the dining-table. While Haley ate her breakfast she watched her husband carefully.

"Are you okay?" Hotch looked up.

"Sure...I just have a lot to do, that's all."

A moment later he got up and went to change his clothes.

When he came back down, Haley was sitting on the couch. He walked up to her and sat down.

They looked at each other, then Haley said :

"You know, yesterday evening was really nice...Maybe we should repeat that..."

Hotch took a deep breath and replied :

"Listen Haley, I really appreciate that you invited Elle for dinner, but I'm her boss and actually I would prefer to keep my private life seperated from work..."

"Okay..." Haley smiled softly.

"Well, I should get to the office now."

Haley gave him a soft kiss and he got up.

_At the office :_

Hotch went straight to get some coffee before going to his office.

A moment later someone knocked against his door.

"Yeah?"

The door opened and Gideon entered the room.

"Are you okay? I mean, shouldn't you be happier now that Elle was released from hospital?"

"I am..." They looked at each other.

"Well, you don't seem like that..."

"It's just that Haley had invited her for dinner yesterday evening..."

"How did that go?"

"Awkward, I mean, you know Haley...She wants to be friends with everyone - and her newest target happens to be Elle..."

"So, what did you do?" Gideon gave him a curious glance.

"Sticking it out..."

"You have to come to terms about what you want..."

"I know..."

Not much later Gideon left and Hotch went back to work on his paperwork.

_At the evening :_

It had been a quiet day - they had only paperwork to do. Hotch spent all day in his office trying to work while his head was filled with thoughts about his problems.

When he was finished he ordered some Chinese take-out and left the office in a hurry.

As he reached his destination Hotch took a deep steadying breath before he rang the bell.

"Hey." Elle smiled at him after opening the door.

"Well, I thought you might be hungry..." He indicated the Chinese.

"Come in..."

He handed Elle the bottle of expensive, exquisite red wine he had bought earlier and sat down on the couch, placing the take-out on the table.

Meanwhile Elle went to the kitchen to get two glasses and to open the bottle. A moment later she came back to the living-room and sat down next to him.

Hotch took the bottle and glasses from her hands and poured some wine into the glasses.

After some time, while they had eaten in comfortable silence, the door-bell rang and Elle got up to see who it was.

When she came back, Morgan followed a second later. Hotch noticed the surprise in Morgan's eyes as he saw him. Though he tried to fight against it, Hotch felt once more the rising jealousy and anger.

Luckily Morgan didn't stay long.

After he had left, Hotch let out a sigh and drew Elle, who was sitting next to him again, closer and they shared a long passionate kiss, then they focused their attention back onto eating. Hotch decided to enjoy the time with Elle and not to think too much about Morgan.

_Meanwhile :_

Morgan was quite surprised by the fact that Hotch was at Elle's place. He found it odd that his married boss was sitting in Elle's living-room, eating Chinese take-out and drinking expensive wine with her. He shook his head and turned around for a moment and was totally surprised when he saw Hotch pulling Elle onto his lap - and kissing her passionate. A little part of his brain told him to keep watching but then he decided to simply leave and get home.

_At Hotch's place :_

Haley was sitting on the couch in the living-room. The television was turned on, but she was unable to concentrate on the movie she had wanted to watch.

She was totally lost in her thoughts, wondering where her husband was. He had called and told her that he had to work, but somehow she didn't believe that...

She had to admit that she hadn't told Gideon the complete truth - Aaron had started to change a very long time ago - actually already short after Jack had been born. He had started to work more and more.

Of course he had always been a little absent, but he used to make this forgotten when he was at home. But quite a while before his colleague had been shot this changed, he started to be lost in his thoughts when he was at home, he smiled even less than ever before.

She had hoped everything would return back to to normal during his vacation, but instead everything got worse.

She had lied to him when she confronted him about his nightmare. He hadn't woken her with a scream - she had been awake for quite a while. She had heard what he had said, but she didn't think much about it - it was just a dream, right?

But after the past evening she was thinking differently. The way they had looked at each other, smiled at each other. They had sat so close on the couch, the look in his eyes - all this tenderness she had seen displayed in them.

She remembered how he had brushed a strand of hair out of Elle's face - the look in his eyes in that moment. She could have sworn that he was on the best way to lean in and kiss her...

She tried to reassure herself that her husband would _never _hurt her like that, but she started to doubt...

She slowly started to think that he had fallen for Elle and it was unbelievable painful for her, but when she thought carefully about it, it explained a lot...

Still she hoped she was wrong, though the doubts got stronger...But even if he had feelings for his colleague he would never give in to them, right?

Tears started running down her face, when she thought about the possibility that her husband was right now with his colleague...

She didn't want to think like this about him - but on the other hand he had said in his sleep that he loved Elle - even more than he had ever loved her...

_Tbc_

**A/N: Hope you liked it - I'm going to update some other stories today as well. But I'm not sure when I will be able to update this one again...Please take the time to REVIEW!**


	9. Confrontations

**Discs.: I don't own Criminal Minds nor its characters!!!**

**A/N: Here's finally an update (I know it took ages - but I think it was worth the wait!)...I'm already busy writing the next chapter, but given the fact that I'm pretty busy writing on my story "Be my escape" it might take a while 'til it's done and uploaded...Anyways hope you're gonna enjoy this!**

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Broken

_8. Confrontations_

Hotch woke with a start as he heard someone scream. He sat up and took a look around. It didn't take him long 'til he realised that it had been Elle who had screamed. After a moment he stretched out his left hand and caressed softly her right shoulder.

"Elle...Are you okay?"

She turned slowly around and forced a smile onto her lips.

"It was just a bad dream...I'm okay, really..."

Hotch returned the smile after trying to figure out if she was telling him the truth, then he drew her into an embrace.

"Do you think you'll be able to fall asleep again?" Hotch asked.

"Yeah..." Hotch gave her a tender kiss onto her forehead.

_The next morning :_

When Hotch woke up again it was already getting light. A smile appeared on his face as he noticed that Elle was awake as well. They sat up and shared a happy glance.

"It's already pretty late, how about you go and take a shower, while I make some coffee?"

"Well, that sounds extremely tempting, but considering that we both got almost no sleep last night and you still need rest, why don't you try to get some more sleep and I'll wake you up after taking a shower?"

"I'm not tired and even if I was, I won't be able to sleep again..." They locked eyes and Elle went on,

"Furthermore I got more than enough rest while I was in hospital - and in case I'm getting tired again I can still go back to bed."

"Alright..." Hotch smiled at her and got up. A moment later Elle got up as well, got dressed and went to make some coffee.

_An hour later at Hotch's place :_

Hotch tried to be as quiet as possible when he entered his house, not sure if Haley was still sleeping. As if to answer his unspoken question his wife approached him a moment later, Jack on her arm and a smile on her lips.

"You're already up?" Hotch asked surprised.

"Yeah, Jack wok me up around five and I couldn't get him back to sleep, so I thought it would be best to stay up..."

Hotch smiled and took Jack into his arms.

"How about I make breakfast for us and you take the time to play with Jack or something..."

They locked eyes and he replied, after taking a look at his little son :

"Sounds wonderful..."

_Around half-past 8 :_

Hotch went straight to his office, unwilling to talk with either Gideon nor Morgan. He didn't feel like facing the Spanish inquisition...

After a short while he had to get to the Round Table room for the briefing about their new case, but he could not really concentrate on what he was hearing. All he was able to think about was Elle and the mess he had gotten himself into.

He had no idea about what he should do. Of course he knew that he would lose everything that meant something to him if he kept seeing Elle.

Hotch sighed as he remembered how much damage the behavior of his father had caused - and he had never wanted to be like that...

_The next evening :_

Hotch was lying in his hotel bed and was once more thinking about what he should do. The case was closed, but given the horrible weather they had to stay longer in Seattle - the city where he had first met Elle...

He sighed and pulled the bed-spread tighter around himself. As he started to feel how tired he was he tried to push his thoughts away to get some sleep.

_A few hours later :_

When Hotch woke up he felt cold - extremely cold, so he went to take a hot shower to warm himself a little up.

While he was enjoying the warmth of the water which was running over his skin his mind went back to his troubles - he just couldn't stop thinking about all the things which were bothering him.

_Later on the plan back to Quantico :_

While the others were getting some more sleep Morgan kept watching Hotch. After a while Morgan stated bluntly :

"So you and Elle..."

Hotch stared at his colleague and asked, while wondering how much Morgan might know - could maybe know :

"What do you mean?"

"Oh come on, Hotch - it's so damn obvious that there's something going on between the two of you two...I mean, what other reason would you have for sitting in her living-room, eating Chinese takeout, drinking expensive wine and such things?"

"You're insane - I mean even _if _there was something between me and Elle - my private-life is non of your business, you got that?!"

"It _is _my business if your behavior affects our work!" Morgan ignored Hotch's glare and simply went on,

"And it certainly affects work...You're unconcentrated and unable to focus onto the case - if you're actually there in the first place that is!"

Even though they were both getting angry, they tried to keep their voices as low as possible.

"You know what, Morgan? You are certainly least in the place to comment on that!" Hotch felt how his anger and jealousy were rising again.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I know what you did to her..." He trailed off, while trying to to control his emotions.

"Excuse me?!" Morgan was by now getting angry as well.

"I know that you've been seeing each other - I saw you kissing at the office..."

"So what? I mean, it's not like I'm her supervisor - or as if I had a wife and little child..."

"No, you don't, but that wasn't my point - what I meant was that you first cheated on her and then dumped her like garbage!" An angry expression crossed Hotch's face.

At first Morgan didn't react to what his boss had stated, then he rolled his eyes and replied :

"First of all, I seriously doubt that _you _are in the position to judge on _my _behavior...I mean, at least I don't play games with her feelings like you're doing...And just for you're knowledge - I didn't _cheat _on Elle - and it's not like it had been anything serious for her..."

"Oh really? Then why did she cry?" Hotch stared his colleague right into the eyes.

"Well, why don't you ask her that?! But you should keep one thing in mind - you are far too loyal to Haley and far too ambitious concerning your career as that you would give any of these things ever up for Elle...So you should better stop acting as if _I'm _the one who's hurting her!" Morgan started to get aware of a vague rage he was feeling toward his boss, while he paused for a few seconds before he went on,

"We both know that you will end it the very moment you get the feeling that it could cost you either your job or your family - or even both..." He trailed off, then he added, like an afterthought,

"Oh and just by the way, do you really believe Elle would have went on that trip to Montega Bay with me if I had hurt her?"

Morgan kept looking at Hotch for a little longer then he decided that he was done with the topic, so he took his iPod out of the right pocket of his black leather-jacket and closed his eyes after turning it on.

Hotch just stared at him for a while, trying to calm down. Morgan had no idea of what he was feeling for Elle - he would never understand...

After all, Morgan was nothing but a macho - incapable of having a serious relationship.

Finally Hotch shook his head and decided to stop thinking about it. He was looking forward to getting back home - to being able to see Elle...

_A few hours later, at Elle's place :_

As hotch got out of his car and went to the front-door he started to get aware of the feeling of complete happiness, which overcame him whenever he was around Elle - especially when the were alone...

The moment she opened the door a smile crept on his face.

"Hey..."Elle smiley back and let him in.

After he had closed door behind him his smile widened and he gave her a soft kiss onto her lips.

"I'm so happy to be finally back..."

They locked eyes for a while then he kissed her once more - this time far more passionate and they went to her bedroom...

_Some time later :  
_

Hotch smiled happily while Elle was lying in his arms and started to kiss her again. He wasn't willing to let his sorrows ruin the night, he knew that every moment with her was incredible precious...Haley wasn't waiting for him - he had told her that he had to work, so he was able to enjoy his time with Elle.

But only a moment later his smile vanished as he heard Elle mumble something while he gave her a soft kiss onto her neck. At first he thought he had been mistaken, that his mind was playing tricks on him and he went back to painting her skin with featherlike kisses.

Only a few seconds later he had to face the fact that it hadn't been his imagination running wild, as he heard Elle whispering once more :

"Morgan..."

It was almost inaudible, but he knew he that he wasn't mistaken...So he stopped and lay back, trying to push away the thoughts which were racing through his head.

"Don't stop..."Elle looked at him, a smile on her lips and Hotch realized that she was probably not even aware of what she had said.

"Listen Elle, it's already pretty late, so why don't we try to get some sleep?" Hotch asked.

"Okay..."

Hotch put his arms around her slender form and she rested her head on his bare chest.

Elle fell asleep only a few minutes later, but Hotch couldn't find to sleep...Too many thoughts were racing through his head. He tried to convince himself that what Elle had said, had no meaning...But a few minutes later his doubts were growing as he heard Elle saying :

"God Morgan, thanks for being there tonight..."

She snuggled even closer to him and went on,

"It felt so good to talk with you..."

She paused again and Hotch wondered what she was dreaming. Just as he started to think that she was done talking in her sleep she started :

"Morgan do you really...No, don't go, please stay..."

Suddenly Hotch started asking himself if it had really been meaningless what had been between her and Morgan. After all, Elle wasn't a person who would cry about something that meant nothing to her...Had he maybe been wrong when he had assumed that she was feeling the same way for him as he for her? But if he had really been wrong, why didn't she just turn him down? Was she simply searching for comfort after what had happened to her - and he had been there?

After another while he couldn't take it anymore, it was so completely pointless to think so much about it...So he got up, dressed and left...

_At Hotch's home :_

As he opened quietly the front-door he hoped that Haley was deep asleep. He didn't have the energy to pretend that he was okay - 'cause he certainly wasn't...But when he entered the bedroom he found Haley still awake, reading.

He sat down next to her on the bed. Haley put the book on the nightstand, smiled at her husband and stated :

"I'm glad that you're finally home..."

Only a few seconds passed before he leaned in and gave her a tender kiss.

"Why are you still up, honey?" They locked eyes,

"I hope you were not waiting for me..."

He stretched out his right hand and caressed softly her cheek.

"Well, not exactly...I simply couldn't sleep - I was wondering how you're doing...I mean, sure you're called and told me you had to work but..."

"What is it?"

"It's ridiculous, really..." Haley smirked.

"Come on Haley...Why don't you just tell me?"

After a moment she rolled her eyes and replied :

"Okay...But I told you it's totally ridiculous..." She paused and looked him straight into the eyes, then she went on,

"Well, you changed so much in the last time - and I do not mean the last few weeks, or months...I mean ever since Elle has joined your team you changed - especially after she got shot. And there are moments when I even think that...that you have feelings for her..."

Haley went silent for a while, wondering if she should tell him all about her worries. When Hotch drew her for a moment into an embrace she knew the answer...

"I know it's ridicolous, but I just can't stop wondering if you're having an affair with her..."

"Haley, you know I would never do that to you...I mean, what does actually make you think that?"

While he was saying these words he caressed once more tenderly her face, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear, while his mind was racing...

"I'm not blind nor am I stupid, Aaron...Do you think I didn't notice the way you looked and smiled at her when she was here? And that night when you had that nightmare - I heard you talking in your sleep...But most of all - I can smell her perfume on you..." Haley was close to tears.

"Look at me Haley, please...I could _never _hurt you - especially not like that! Elle is only a good friend, believe me...I have to admit that I have paid her a short visit earlier to check on her, I gave her a hug - but that's it...I mean, there are certain lines I would _never _overstep, Haley, I would _never _cheat on you - especially not with a woman on my team, okay?"

"I know how stupid it sounds, I mean, I don't want to think about you like this...I wish I could simply believe you - but you changed so much..."

By now Haley was crying and it was tearing him apart...

"God Haley, I'm sorry for putting you through this, believe me...However, one thing is for sure - I love you and Jack...I won't be able to live without you..."

He pulled her close again and whispered soothing words to her, while stroking softly her back. After her sobs had subsided he put some space between them and said :

"Listen honey, I'm going to change clothes and then we get some sleep, okay?"

She only nodded, so he got up and went to the adjoining bathroom to change. When he reentered the room, Haley had already laid back and observed him as he was turning off the lights and finally lying down next to her. He put his arms around her and kissed her softly, first onto her forehead then onto her lips. They locked eyes and she snuggled as close to him as possible, then she whispered quietly :

"I love you, Aaron..."

"I know, and I love you too...But we should really get some sleep now..."

_The next morning :_

Hotch woke up by chilly feeling. He was shivering even though his entire body was covered in sweat and he was wrapped up in the warm cocoon of his bed-spread. The moment he got up he felt a flash of dizziness, but he simply ignored it and went to take a shower. A frustrated sigh escaped his mouth as he realized that even the hot water wasn't capable of making him feel warm today, so he gave it up and got ready for work before he went downstairs and was immediately greeted by his wife and the scent of freshly brewed coffee.

After giving her a soft kiss he sat down at the dining-table and took a sip of his coffee. He made a painful grimace while trying to shake the doomed feeling that he was coming down with something...

But Hotch decided to push this thought away - just like so many others in the last time...

"Are you okay, Aaron?" Haley looked concerned at her husband.

"Yeah, but I think I might caught a cold or something..." He smiled warmly at her,

"Don't worry, I'm okay..."

"Why don't you stay at home and go to see a doctor?"

"I can't stay at home...the team is already one agent down, so..."

"Alright...Just don't overdo it, okay? And in case you feel worse come home...I don't want to lose you because you were unconcentrated and got shot..."

"I'm gonna be fine...Trust me..." Hotch smirked at his wife, got up and ready to leave.

Instead of kissing Haley goodbye he simply drew her into an embrace and let the fingers of his right slide through her hair, while he told her that he was going to call her later...

_At the office :_

Hotch's mood was already bad as he entered the building...It was raining traffic had been a mess and given this fact he was late...

He hated being late, whenever one of the agents on his team wasn't on time he scolded them, but how could he make them stick to the rules, if he himself wasn't doing so either?

An angry expression crossed his face as he started sneezing - again and hurried to get to his own office, feeling how the noise in the bullpen was making his headaches even worse. After almost five minutes of sneezing Hotch took in a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment.

Just as he was starting to relax a bit he was interrupted by a knock against his office-door, he let out a heavy sigh and forced himself to say :

"Yeah?"

The door opened and JJ entered the room, files in hands...He sighed once more and asked :

"New case?"

JJ only nodded, then she wanted to know when the briefing was supposed to start - and finally left. Hotch stared for a moment at the files in front of him...

He had hoped it would be a quiet day, so he could catch up on some paperwork - but apperantly it wasn't his lucky day...

After another moment he finally took a look through the files of the new case, but he barely got the meaning of what he was reading. Eventually he had to leave his office for the briefing.

He had to stop for a moment as another wave of sneezes broke free. When he had finally taken a seat at the round table he forced himself to focus onto the things his colleagues were saying.

But after only a few minutes he started coughing - and lost track of what was said. The others paused and Gideon asked :

"You're okay?"

Hotch felt the eyes of his colleagues resting on him, but given the fact that he couldn't stop coughing he simply signalled his colleagues that he was okay by nodding his head. But the very same moment he regretted it as the throbbing pain in his skull was increasing rapidly.

As he was finally done with coughing he pointed out :

"It's just a cold..."

"You're calling that a cold? You should certainly be at home, getting some rest instead of working..." Gideon stated looking at Hotch like he was a little child.

"I'm fine, you got that?" Hotch glared at his friend and simply ignored the worried faces of his colleagues,

"Could we get back to the case now?!"

By now Hotch's mood was at a complete low - his head and throat were hurting and he simply couldn't focus onto the task at hand. Hotch knew that the others were right - he should go home, but he won't let other people tell him what he should do...

He was going to hold on a few more hours - even if he was only sitting in his office pretending he was busy while in reality he was thinking about his problems...Then he would pack up his stuff as well as the pile of paperwork and go home...

And tomorrow he would call in sick...Maybe spending some time with Jack and Haley was all he needed for making a decision 'cause he knew that he had to come to terms about what he wanted...

_Later that day :_

The case was already solved after only a few hours when the UnSub turned himself in. The rest of the day was quiet and Hotch was feeling completely healthy again...Still he took most of his paperwork with him when he left for home - just in case...

Against better knowledge he didn't drive home immediately, instead he found himself parking in the street where Elle was living. He pulled a face at the thought of having to walk through the pouring rain up to Elle's door. But after the crappy day he had he just had to see her - he needed her so goddamn much...

And this fact made him angry - everything that bothered him was piling up and by now it was just getting too much.

_Meanwhile :_

Elle was sitting in the living-room and thought about Hotch...In fact she was actually not sure what she should think about him...On the one hand she got the impression that he really cared about her, but on the other hand there were moments when she thought he might just feel guilty for what happened to her. Furthermore he was...

She was interrupted in her train of thought by someone knocking against the front-door. At first she was like paralyzed, and even though she realized only a few seconds later that it could be Hotch she decided to pretend she wasn't hearing anything.

But the hammering sound was too annoying to be ignored, so she got up, at the seventh knock she was at the door and opened it. Just like she had suspected it was Hotch, yet she was surprised by his visit...

_Flashback :_

Elle awoke with a scream...It had been the very same nightmare which haunted her ever since she woke up at the hospital. After she had calmed down a bit she turned toward Hotch, who she had probably woken up - but he wasn't there.

She stretched out her left hand and let it slide over the spot where Hotch had been lying, before she had fallen asleep. Even though she barely touched the fabric she could tell that he was already gone for hours, probably he had left short after she had fallen asleep.

Elle felt how her eyes welled up with unshed tears, but she won't allow them to break free. After all she had known the deal - this was a meaningless fling, a release for the stress of their job, the hurt, disgust, sorrow...

Sure he had never said anything concerning this one, but it wasn't necessary...They were nothing but friends - if that...Did he care about her? - Most definitely, his team was like a second family to him, so that was no surprise. He had been a lot at the hospital, but he hadn't been there for her...

Hotch had been there, because he felt like it had been his fault what had happened to her...He had needed to make sure that she was going to be okay, so he stayed...

_End flashback _

"Why are you here?" She didn't even bother trying to hide her conflicted emotions, 'cause she knew that he would see right through the lie - right through _her_...

He tried to lock eyes with her, but she refused, so he let his head drop and asked quietly :

"Can I come in?"

Only then she realized that he was completely soaked and she stepped aside, letting him in.

He immediately closed and locked the door as fast as he probably could.

"You didn't answer my question, why are you here?"

She noticed once more his appearance, he seemed tired and also angry and desperate; he wasn't wearing a suit jacket, maybe so it won't get soaked; his tie was loosened; his hair was just as wet the rest of him, it was tousled, probably because of the wind...

It wasn't the Hotch she thought she knew who was standing in front of her. This Hotch lacked the strength which was normally kinda radiating from him...

Instead of giving her an answer he kissed her harsh, pushing her forcibly against the wall. He broke the kiss for a moment and stated firmly :

"This means nothing!" He didn't bother to mention the topic of birth-control, knowing perfectly well that she was on the pill.

She nodded in understanding and he kissed her again, this time even harsher and more passionate. Elle took off his tie and tugged impatiently at his shirt while he lifted her top and pulled it over her head.

As she unbuttoned his shirt a few buttons popped away and fell on the ground. Hotch glared at her for a moment then he gave her another unforgiving kiss. Elle simply ignored the grimy expression on his face and pulled off his shirt, before she unbuckled his belt and pulled his suit-pants and boxers off as well.

Meanwhile Hotch was struggling to open her bra, breaking a clasp and tearing the thin fabric, when he had finally got it open he let the ruined material fall to the ground and hurried to open her tight jeans and pulling it down along with her panties.

A moment later he lifted her up and entered her roughly, unwilling to wait any longer, she wrapped her legs around his waist. As he bit her neck Elle leaned her head back, allowing him better access. When Hotch felt Elle's finger-nails start scraping the skin on his shoulders he grabbed her wrists, pressing her hands against the wall and stated firmly :

"No marks! Haley is not supposed to find out about this!"

They locked eyes and shared another inexorable kiss. Hotch thought back to what had happened to Elle - what he let happen to her and the anger returned.

He pushed Elle even closer to the wall, if that was actually even possible, which caused her head to hit it hard, but they were both too lost in the moment as that they'd have noticed.

They didn't exchange any kind gestures, or soft lingering touches. Nor did they exchange any words of love, both knowing that they won't be received well. When they came, they didn't exclaim each others names.

As Hotch pulled out and let her down, Elle didn't look at him, knowing exactly that she won't find a smile or any comfort.

They got dressed in perfect silence, when they were done Hotch turned toward her once more. He closed the space between them in no time and gave her one last harsh kiss, before he repeated once more in a firm voice :

"This means nothing at all!"

And with that he was gone.

After the door had closed Elle crouched down to pick up her ruined bra and went to dump it into the trash-can. She felt her tears threatening to break free again, but she fought them back successfully for another time - at least for a moment...

In the end her emotions got the best of her and she broke down into tears.

It wasn't like it had been that different than the times before, yet it had been the first time he had been so rough toward her and actually made clear that it meant nothing - that _she _meant _nothing _to him.

This time it had been all about him - about his needs, before this time he had always given her the impression that he at least cared a little bit about her...

But apparently she had been mistaken...

_Tbc_

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**A/N: Hope you liked it! Please take the time to review!**


	10. Making a decision

**Discs.: I don't own Criminal Minds nor its characters (as u guys should know by now)**

**A/N: I just finished typing this new chap - it was already finished on my note pad for a while but I was kinda busy and also lazy so I waited 'til now...Hope there are not too many errors in it. I wanna thank my dear friend Makena for her help on this! Hope you'll enjoy reading! ****Broken**

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_Making a decision_

When Hotch woke up the next morning he felt like crap. He knew it had been a mistake to go to Elle the passed night - had known so even before he had arrived at her apartment, but he just couldn't help it...

Of course he regretted the way he had treated her - regretted having told her that it meant nothing...

And to top this he knew now that he was sick - his head was aching terribly just like his throat and he was pretty sure that he was running a fever. Nonetheless he forced himself to get up and dressed.

A few minutes later he went downstairs and searched for Haley and Jack. When he couldn't find them he simply sat down on the couch and switched the TV on.

_Several hours later :_

Hotch had almost fallen asleep when he heard the front-door being opened. He turned and saw Haley enter with Jack on her arms, so he got up and approached his wife.

"You're awake?" Haley asked.

"Yeah, can I help you somehow?"

"Well, you could take care of Jack, while I bring the groceries inside..." They locked eyes and shared a smile.

"Sure."

Haley handed Jack over to his dad and went to get the rest of the things she had bought.

Meanwhile Hotch sat back down on the couch, Jack sitting on his lap. A smile appeared on his face when Jack started laughing.

When Haley sat down next to him, a smile on her lips, Jack yawned and Hotch got up to bring him upstairs.

As Hotch returned Haley had started to prepare dinner.

"Hey..." Haley greeted him and gave him a soft kiss onto his cheek.

"Hey yourself..."

"Is he sleeping?"

"Yeah...So what are your plans for dinner?" Hotch pulled her into a tight embrace.

"That's supposed to be a surprise..." They locked eyes and shared a smile, before she asked,

"How are you?"

"Honestly? I already felt better in my life..." He had to pause, because he started coughing, then he added,

"Why didn't you wake me?"

"Well, I figured you could use the sleep - I just couldn't get you awake anyways...And it's nice to have you at home."

"It's great to be there...I know I've been very absent recently and I'm really sorry for that..."

"Aaron...Stop it, okay? It's alright, after all you're here now...Oh, and don't worry about work. Jason called earlier and I told him that you're sick. He assured me that they'll be fine - and agreed that you could use a break."

"You're wonderful. I don't know what I would do without you..." Hotch gave Haley a kiss onto her forehead, then he released her from his embrace and let her get back to preparing dinner.

"Can I help you somehow?" They shared a long glance.

Haley shook slowly her head and smiled.

"Not really...Just take a seat and relax."

"Okay..." Hotch surrundered and sat down in the living-room.

They both knew that he wasn't much of a help when it came down to cooking and such things - never had been.

_After dinner :_

"You didn't like it, did you?" Haley asked, taking a seat on the couch, next to her husband.

"No Haley, it was delicious - really. It's just that I wasn't that hungry and furthermore is my throat hurting pretty badly, so..." Hotch explained why he had barely eaten anything.

"You should go and see a doctor tomorrow."

"I will consider it..."

"You promise?" Haley asked, looking sceptical at him and gave him a soft kiss.

"Yeah, I promise." They shared a long tender kiss.

When they broke the kiss, because Jack had woken up and was crying and he watched Haley getting up to take care of their son Hotch felt for the first time in ages - or so it seemed to him - that he **really **still loved his wife.

Hotch let his head hang and got lost in his thoughts, he knew that being with Elle had been wrong, no matter if it actually felt also that way to him or not. He also knew that in the end it would only make them both unhappy if he kept his recent behavior up...

"You're okay, honey?"

Hotch looked up and saw that Haley had returned. A smile appeared on his face and he replied :

"Yeah, I was just thinking..."

"'Bout what?" They locked eyes.

"About the recent events. I mean, I realized that I behaved like an idiot..."

"Well, it was a really tough time for you..." Haley smiled softly at him.

"That might be true, but that doesn't make it right. I hurt you so much - and I'm incredible sorry for that."

"Don't be...After all you're here now. And we'll have enough time to talk about everything."

"I guess so..." They kissed again.

"You should get some sleep, Aaron." Haley smiled at him.

"Really? But I'm not tired at all..." He smirked at his wife and they shared a passionate kiss.

_The next morning :_

When Hotch entered the kitchen Haley smiled at him and said :

"Breakfast is almost ready..."

She turned back around to take care of making breakfast and asked :

"How are you doing?"

Meanwhile Hotch walked up to her and put his arms around her waist.

"I'm doing good, I think..." Hotch kissed softly the side of her neck,

"Last night was wonderful..."

Haley turned toward him, a bright smile on her lips.

"Yeah it was..."

"I love you Haley." Hotch stated and meant every single word, he really felt better and it was definitely good for him to be at home.

He had caused a lot of damage, he knew that pretty good, but he was willing to do everything he could for getting things back to how they were supposed to be.

"Aaron? We can eat." Haley interrupted his train of thought and their smiles widened, unsure about how long it had been since they had been able to have breakfast together without rushing...

Hotch was happy that he had the opportunity to enjoy breakfast with his family. Normally he had always to hurry because he needed to get to work.

While Haley was pouring some coffee into two mugs on the table, Hotch started feeding Jack.

Haley smiled at her husband. He seemed totally relaxed, so at ease at this very moment...

"You should eat as well, before it gets cold."

"You're probably right..." They shared a smile.

_Some time later :_

While Hotch was sitting on the couch watching Jack playing on the floor, he got lost in his thoughts again. He started to think once more about what Morgan had said...

Hotch knew of course that his colleague was partly right - he couldn't risk losing his job and even by far less his family, no matter what he was feeling for Elle. He just couldn't have a relationship with one of his subordinates - and Elle meant way too much to him as that he could be okay with just having an affair with her in the first place.

Another problem he had to face was the possiblity that she might have feelings for Morgan.

And after all, who was he trying to fool? - Elle deserved so much more than what he could ever offer her. She deserved to be with somebody who was able to **really **be with her, someone who didn't need to hide their relationship, who could go out with her without having to worry that his wife or a colleague could see them together.

He knew that Morgan was right - he would only get her hurt, he could never make Elle happy...

Sure he wanted her, longed to be with her, but he knew that she deserved happiness and that was simply something he couldn't give her.

Plus he was too afraid of how it could affect their working relationship as that he could keep his behavior up. It was simply better if he ended it now before his feelings for her became even stronger, before he was so deep into it that there was no turning back anymore. He was going to be damn lucky if their friendship and great working relationship survived what he had done so far...

Hotch sighed, he wasn't even sure if he really loved her as much as she deserved...He had never told Elle how he was feeling about her - he just couldn't bring himself to do it - instead he had told her that it meant nothing to him.

Maybe he could make himself actually believe that it really meant nothing to him, that he really didn't love her if he just told it himself often enough.

Another sigh escaped his mouth. Why had it to be so damn complicated? Why had he fallen for Elle, even though he loved his wife and son? - Sure Elle was beautiful, if not to say gorgeous, she was smart and futhermore a great agent and profiler, but that were only a few of so many reasons...

What had really caught his attention, his heart, was the fact that Elle understood him, he was able to talk with her...A moment later Hotch was interrupted in his thoughts by his wife.

"Are you okay?"

Hotch looked up and forced a smile onto his lips.

"Yeah, but I think I should get some sleep..."

"Okay..." Haley smiled at him and gave him a soft kiss onto the cheek.

He got up from the couch and went to the bedroom. As he lay down Hotch hoped that he would fall asleep soon, he didn't want to think too much about his problems, about Elle...

After all, he had finally made a decision - he wanted to try pretending that he didn't love her...He simply had to do the right thing, **wanted **to do the right thing - or at least he had to try...

Unfortunately he couldn't find to sleep. After a while Hotch sat up and got his cell phone. For a few minutes he just stared at it, wondering if he should call Elle to talk with her about his decision, explaining why he had come to the conclusion that he couldn't be with her, and why he had treated her the way he had done.

But eventually he put the cell back onto the nightstand. After all, he knew that he should talk with Elle about this entire situation in person and futhermore he didn't want to risk that Haley heard anything about it...

Hotch let out a heavy sigh once again he cursed at himself for his damn cowardness...

Another sigh escaped his mouth as he realized that all he could do now was hoping that things could go back to how they used to be...

_Tbc_

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**A/N: Thanks for reading! Please take the time to review!**


	11. Count on me

**Discs.: I don't own Criminal Minds nor its characters!**

**A/N: Here's another update - it was mainly written by my friend Dakota...I just added some stuff...**

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Broken

_10. Count on me_

As Morgan was finishing his report JJ walked up to him, Reid and Garcia, a worried expression on her face.

"I just got off the phone with Elle..."

"Is she already looking forward to getting some company?" Morgan asked.

"Well, unfortunately she's sick, so I guess we'll have to delay visiting her."

"How is she doing?" Reid wanted to know.

Morgan felt once again that vague rage which followed him ever since he had seen Hotch at Elle's place that one night...He lifted his head and took a look at Hotch's office door. 'Well, it figures,' he thought.

Hotch had just come back to work three days earlier after staying at home for almost two weeks because he had been sick. Morgan frowned as he thought about the fact that it was by no chance a coincidence that Elle was sick as well.

"Hey Morgan, did you hear me?" JJ interrupted his thoughts.

"Sorry, what were you saying?"

"I suggested that we could get some drinks together instead of visiting Elle." JJ stated, a smile on her lips.

Morgan hesitated for a moment then he replied :

"Sounds good to me." He forced a smile onto his face.

_A few hours later :_

Morgan had already tried to fall asleep for almost an hour when he decided to give it up. He wished he hadn't found out that there was something going on between Hotch and Elle.

It pained him so goddamn much to know about this, because even if he **won't** have feelings for her, he still cared incredibly much about Elle, but the truth was he **had **feelings for her - in fact he was deeply in love with her and there was nothing he could do about it.

But apparently it was too late, only a few months ago he had had his chance to be with her. He still remembered how it had started like it had been just the other day...

_Flashback :_

They were now working on this damn case for ten days and so far they didn't even have a suspect. Almost fifty percent of the female population of Kansas City were terrified to leave their homes - especially at night.

So far they had found 24 bodies and the UnSub kept escalating. Every murder was more gruesome than the ones before...

First this perp was raping his victims brutally, beating them up pretty badly in the process, then he tortured them almost to death before he forced them to drink diluted hydrochloric acid, causing them to to die a very painful and slow death.

However, their main problem was that the victims had nothing in common except of their physical type.

After they had found another body Hotch came to the conclusion that they all could use a break and most of all some sleep.

_At the hotel, 11:56 pm :_

Even though they had arrived back at their hotel already over one and a half hour ago, Morgan was still awake. He just couldn't get the image of the latest victim out of his mind.

Sure he had already seen a lot of horrible things doing this job, but this case was different. It wasn't the UnSub's brutality or the number of victims, no it was something else which was getting to him - it was the one thing that all victims had in common...

It was the fact that they were all reminding him - and also the others, or so he thought - of Elle. All victims were brunette, extremely beautiful and had brown eyes...

Especially when he had taken a look at the latest victim his mind had been playing evil tricks on him, trying to convince him that it was Elle lying in front of him, brutally raped and beaten up, instead of the victim, Mary Delgado.

For a terrifying moment, which had seemed to last for a complete eternity, his mind had succeeded on fooling him. He had been frozen and had felt like he had to throw up, but somehow he had managed to conquer the nausea.

However, that feeling of sickness had been negligible compared to a mix of emotions which had overwhelmed him in that very moment. When he had finally found the strength to move again he had turned around, his eyes desperately searching for Elle. It hadn't been until he had seen his colleague and friend standing barely three feet away from him that he had released a relieved breath, which he hadn't even been aware he had been holding.

As he remembered her facial expression, the look in her eyes as she was incapable of stopping to stare at the victim's body Morgan got up from the armchair he was sitting on since entering the room, and went to the door.

_A moment later :_

When he knocked against the door in front of him there was only one thought on his mind. To him it seemed like it was taking ages for the door to open, nonetheless a smile appeared on his face as Elle looked surprised at him.

"Morgan...What are you doing here?"

"Well, I just wanted to make sure that you're okay...Can I come in?" Morgan replied, he was relieved that she hadn't already been sleeping when he had gotten to her room and that she wasn't mad at him for interrupting.

Elle just kept looking at him for a few seconds, obviously thinking about whether she should let him in or not. She locked eyes with him for a moment and apparently she had seen something in his eyes that made her give in, because a moment later she stepped aside and let him in.

After she had closed the door she stated :

"Have a seat." She paused, then she asked like an afterthought,

"You wanna have a drink or something?"

"Why not..." Morgan smiled brightly at her.

As Elle sat down on an armchair, looking at him, his smile faded and he asked :

"How are you?"

"I dunno..." Elle replied avoiding the subject.

"You know, this case affects all of us..."

"Then why are you here with me instead of checking on someone else?"

"Well, that's something **I **don't know."

Morgan's smile returned for a moment before he became serious again.

"Listen Elle, I know you don't wanna hear this - but I'm really worried about you..."

A small smile formed on her face.

"I'm okay, just very tired. And of course this damn case is getting to me, but it's no big deal, really."

"Okay..." Morgan surrendered, knowing that pushing her would be pointless, because she would only get mad at him.

"But you know that I'm there if you need someone to talk, right?"

"Yeah, I know Morgan and I really aprreciate your offer."

_Half-past two am :_

As they got up from their seats they remained silent for the time being. When Elle had reached the door she stopped and turned back around, looking at Morgan who was now standing in front of her. They shared a smile and Elle started :

"Thanks Morgan..."

"For what?" He asked slightly puzzled.

"For being there tonight," Elle shrugged and added,

"It felt really good to talk with you."

An unreadable expression crossed Morgan's face and only a moment later he leaned closer, kissing her softly. Elle was way too surprised as that she could have reacted right away, so she let him kiss her.

After an endless moment Elle finally found the strength to break their kiss, which had become more and more passionate by every passing second, and forced herself to say, even though just above a whisper :

"Morgan, do you really think that..." She trailed off.

"You're right - this isn't a good idea, after all we work together." They locked eyes for a moment, before he looked away and added,

"I should probably leave now..."

He looked once more at her, reaching for the door-knob.

"No, don't go...Please stay..."

"Are you sure?" Morgan gave her a questioning glance.

"Yeah, I'm sure...Stay..." Elle smiled softly at him.

Morgan returned the smile and leaned in, kissing her passionately again, pulling her as close to him as possible.

_End flashback_

They had agreed that it was 'just for fun'...But he had known even before they had started seeing each other that he had feelings for her - even though only subconsciously.

Morgan let out a heavy sigh, he just couldn't understand what Elle was seeing in Hotch. After all he was their supervisor and most of all he had a family.

He simply doubted that it could work between them.

A moment later Morgan sighed again, hoping that Hotch was smart enough to know that he would only hurt Elle in the long-run and ended it on time.

_8 days later :_

Luckily Elle felt better quite fast, so JJ had decided that they should finally pay her a visit.

At first Morgan had been sceptical and had considered to tell the others that he had already other plans for the night, but he couldn't come up with a good excuse. After all he couldn't tell them that he had doubts about whether he had the strength to spend time with Elle without blurting out what was bothering him.

However, in the end he had decided to tag along - mainly because Hotch won't come...

Now they were waiting for Elle to open the door. As she finally opened and smiled at them, JJ was the first to hug her. Only a moment later Garcia and even Reid did the same while Morgan hesitated, but after Garcia had released Elle from her arms he walked up to her and pulled Elle into a tight embrace.

When he stepped back a moment later he saw her smile widening as they locked eyes.

_Half-past midnight :_

They had talked for hours with each other, they had some drinks together and to Morgan it was obvious that their company was making Elle feel better.

After a while their colleagues left one by one until Morgan was the only one remaining.

"I'm glad that you're feeling better." Morgan broke the silence.

"You already said that..." Elle smirked at him.

"Right..." He paused and took a closer look at her,

"So, how are you really doing?"

"I'm okay, really..."

They locked eyes for a while, remaining silent for the time being.

"You know you can always count on me, right? I mean, if you ever need someone to talk or something - I'm there..." Morgan stated a few minutes later, breaking finally the silence, an unreadable expression on his face.

A bright smile appeared on Elle's face as she assured him :

"Yeah, I know Morgan."

After another moment she leaned closer and kissed him softly. Morgan responded immediately, turning the at first tender kiss into a more and more passionate one.

As they broke away to catch their breathes Morgan looked straight into Elle's eyes trying to determine what she was thinking, then he asked the one question which he couldn't get out of his head :

"What about Hotch?"

Elle just stared surprised at him for a moment before she answered his question with another one :

"What about him?"

Her voice was shaking, it was obvious that she was totally taken aback by his question.

"I know that there's something going on between the two of you...I saw him kissing you that one evening when I visited you."

"It meant nothin, really..." Elle said, her voice firm again, showing that she had overcome the first shock which his revelation had caused.

"Really? Because I love you and I don't wanna be just a replacement for Hotch...If you just want some kind of distraction I gonna leave 'cause that's something I can't give you."

They locked eyes and Elle was surprised and also very touched by the softness displayed in his eyes and evident in his voice.

"Listen Morgan, it's you who's here right now, not Hotch. And I won't want it to be different, believe me..." Elle paused, feeling slightly torn, but then she added,

"I mean, what happened between me and Hotch was nothing but a mistake, it's in the past...And to be honest I don't wanna talk about it."

Morgan lifted his right hand, caressing softly her cheek. He knew that her words were sincere, yet he couldn't help but notice the bitterness and hurt he had heard in her voice.

Meanwhile Elle closed her eyes, enjoying his tender touch then she made a step toward him and he drew her even closer, embracing her tightly.

For a while they just stood there like this, perfectly silently, then Morgan bent down and kissed her passionate.

_Some time later :_

As they were lying next to each other in her bed Morgan let his fingers draw absentmindedly tender patterns onto her skin. He had to admit that he had missed the feeling of her soft skin against his own, had missed breathing in that intoxicating scent of hers...

Yet he still remembered that feeling of her lips against his, remembered how it felt to be so close to her. As soon as his fingertips had brushed over the bare skin of her back as he had undressed her, there had been a feeling of recognition he couldn't ignore and her eyes had told him that she felt it too.

It had felt like no time at all had passed since that night before he had told her that they should go back to being just friends. And for a felt eternity Hotch was completely forgotten, he just stopped existing for the time being...

A soft smile appeared on Morgan's face and he turned slightly his head so he could look at Elle's face. When his fingers brushed over the scar on her chest his smile vanished and was replaced by a concerned expression.

After a few seconds he asked just above a whisper :

"Does it still hurt?"

Elle remained silent, but even though her eyes were closed he knew that she had heard his question, so he kept quiet as well, giving her time to think about how to answer. A moment later she opened slowly her eyes, looking at him and replied :

"Well, sometimes it still hurts a bit, but it's okay..."

She smiled softly at him and added,

"But it's nonetheless often difficult to not think about what happened...I still have nightmares and wonder what could have happened if things had been different."

For a moment Morgan was surprised by the sudden honesty in her words. He wasn't used to this, wasn't used to Elle being this open about how she felt, still he was glad that she trusted him enough to confide in him. Yet at the same time he couldn't help wondering if she ever talked with Hotch about this.

Just as if she had sensed what he was thinking he heard a moment later Elle's quiet voice admitting :

"I never talked with anybody else about this...About how this affects me..."

Morgan silenced her with a soft kiss.

"I'm there for you - always..." He paused for a short moment, then he asked, deciding to change the topic,

"Why don't we try to get some sleep now?"

"Good idea..." Elle smiled at him and he put his arms around her, drawing her closer.

_The next morning :_

When Morgan woke up a smile appeared on his face as he saw Elle next to him, still deep asleep and he decided to let her sleep.

For a few minutes he kept watching her sleep then he got up to leave. Just as he wanted to get dressed his cell phone started ringing and even though he hurried to answer the call, Elle woke up.

While he was talking on the phone he felt how Elle observed him. When he finally finished the call he turned back toward Elle and told her :

"That was JJ...We have a new case." He trailed off and smiled at her.

"You wanted to leave without a word?" Elle asked a teasing smile on her lips.

"Well, I didn't want to wake you up..." He admitted,

"I wanted to leave you a message..."

"How considerate of you." Elle said, an amused undertone in her voice, and smirked at him.

"Yeah, isn't it?" Morgan replied chuckling, "Well, seriously Elle, how about I come by when we've closed the case and we talk?"

"Okay...So, where are you going?"

"Denver."

By now Morgan was ready to leave. He leaned closer to Elle and gave her a soft kiss, then he promised :

"I'll call you later, okay?"

They locked eyes for a moment, sharing a smile, then she nodded slowly and he left.

_On the plane to Denver :_

While they were talking about their new case Morgan kept observing Hotch, wondering if Elle had told him the truth.

Sure he wanted to simply believe her, and in fact he did, but nonetheless he couldn't ignore that tiny part of him that doubted her.

After a while he shook absentmindedly his head. He knew he should focus onto the case instead of thinking about this, but he couldn't - after all, he **loved **Elle, in a way he was sure Hotch could never lover her.

A heavy sigh escaped his mouth and he forced himself to finally focus his full attention onto the task at hand...

_Later that day at the hotel :_

As Morgan sat down on his bed he pulled out his cell phone and dialed Elle's number.

"Hey...How's it going?" He heard Elle's cheerful voice on the other end of the line.

"Well, it's going pretty good so far...How are you doing?"

"I'm okay...You're gonna tell me about the case?"

A sceptical expression crossed Morgan's face, after a moment he finally replied :

"Yeah, if you want me to - even though I don't understand why you wanna hear about it..."

"I'm terribly bored - and I **really **miss working.." Elle admitted after a moment of silence.

By hearing that Morgan couldn't help but smile, that was just typical Elle...A few minutes later he started telling her about their newest case, somehow he had suspected that she was going to ask him about it from the very beginning of their conversation.

A half hour later they hung up and he hoped that Elle would get some sleep - without having a nightmare. Morgan let out a sigh, already missing her...

After a moment his mind started wandering back to the evening when he had visited Elle and had seen Hotch kissing her after he had left.

_Flashback :_

He still couldn't believe what he had seen. It just couldn't be real...After all, he knew Elle, he knew that it was totally unlike her to get involved with a married man and even more so if that man was her supervisor.

But nontheless she had obviously something with Hotch, he couldn't deny that fact - couldn't deny the kiss he had observed.

Yet he wondered what this actually meant - he couldn't stop thinking about the fact that he had always thought that Hotch was totally in love with Haley, or even more important that he was way too professional for having an affair with someone on his team.

A sad sigh escaped his mouth as he had to admit that he had been mistaken, and that fact hurt him especially because it wasn't just any colleague of him, it was Elle...But he couldn't bring himself to see why it hurt so badly, he didn't want to see that he wasn't just hurt but also incredibly jealous because of what he had seen - at least not yet.

After all, it had been his own decision to end their relationship - and to ignore the actual reason for that decision.

But now he couldn't keep pushing it away, couldn't keep denying that he had ended it because he had realized that he loved Elle and was scared by that fact...

The truth was that he had never really given love much of thinking - no matter how long a relationship lasted he had always refused to comit himself completely to the woman he was dating.

In fact he had sabotaged every single relationship he ever had as soon as it became too serious, whenever there came up the topic of love or the future he ran, making excuses for avoiding his girlfriend until they broke eventually up, or simply ended it right away...

It had never mattered to him if he had feelings for a woman or not, he just couldn't imagine staying with one of them for his entire life. But when he had started having a relationship with Elle that had suddenly changed.

He wasn't sure why, but he had simply been incapable of remaining emotionally unattached to her...Maybe it was because they had already been friends for quite a while before starting having a romantic relationship, maybe there was a completely different reason - he was simply not capable of figuring it out...

At first he hadn't seen how he really felt about her, but after a few weeks it had hit him all of a sudden, like a bolt out of the blue and for a short time he had simply tried to ignore it. However, it had only taken another few weeks before he had to face the fact that it was pointless to keep denying it...

He had to force himself to not run right away, but eventually he had backed away like he had always done - even though this time due to a totally different reason.

The more time had passed the more he had become worried, or even scared, after all, they were working together, they were close friends - and utmost they had agreed that it was nothing serious...

But he had fallen in love with her and he wasn't used to that, furthermore he wasn't sure if Elle was feeling the same way about him and he just couldn't muster up enough courage to ask her how she was feeling 'bout him, too afraid to reveal his love and getting rejected by her.

He was simply way too scared of the possibility that she wasn't feeling the same, too scared that he would lose her completely, their friendship included, if he told her the truth...

And so he had done what he always did - he **had **run, he had taken the easy way out, simply coming to the conclusion that it would be easier for him if he ended it himself instead of being left by Elle.

'And now it's too late...Really, great done, Derek. For the first time you **really **loved a woman with all your heart, and what did you do? - Exactly, you've run, like you always do. And now she's with **Hotch**- your married boss...' Morgan thought bitterly to himself.

After another few minutes he forced himself to push these thoughts away, after all, even though he still loved Elle - there was nothing he could do about this...Elle was old enough to make her own decisions no matter whether he liked them or not.

_End flashback_

Morgan started shaking slowly his head, after all, that with Hotch was apparently in the past, or so Elle had told him. And she had no reason for lying to him, right? She had also told him that what had been between her and Hotch had been a mistake. But most importantly she had granted him a second chance - and this time he was determined to not mess it up.

He was most definitely not going to make the same mistake twice. Furthermore he was certain that in the very unlikely, yet nonetheless possible, case that Hotch changed his mind and wanted to get Elle back, he would fight for her with all his strength. He would go the limit if necessary, it simply didn't matter to him what it might cost him if he really had to fight for her because of Hotch...

All he knew was that he loved Elle more than anything else in the world and that he - by any cost - couldn't lose her again. He knew that losing her would tear him apart, it would break every inch of his heart...

It had already pained him enough when he had told her that they should go back to how things had used to be. Sure he had tried to push the hurt away, but especially after he had found out about her and Hotch he couldn't ignore that incredible pain he felt any longer.

Morgan winced in pain as he remembered with unbelieveable regret that night...

_Flashback :_

They had just closed another tough, very exhausting case and everyone wanted to get home as soon as possible to forget about the case, to catch up on sleep - well, everyone but Morgan...

One by one his colleagues were leaving while he was focusing his entire attention on the huge pile of paperwork which was covering his desk.

JJ had been the first to leave, shortly followed by Reid, and a half hour later Gideon had left as well. Another fourty minutes later Garcia had finally torn herself away from her beloved computers and had entered the bullpen to say her cheerful goodbye.

Now only Hotch and Elle were left except of him.

So now, while he was writing his report, Morgan was praying to God that Elle would leave soon as well. Well, even though he was actually normally not really that religious, due to his job and other reasons, he was in fact now **begging **God to make Elle leave before he was done with his paperwork...

It had already been over three weeks since he had given up denying his feelings for her and even though he had tried as hard as he could to ignore his worries and doubts, he knew that he couldn't take the risk.

After a while Morgan got up and went to get some more coffee, while hoping that Elle would be gone when he returned to his desk.

But no such luck, when he turned around after refilling his cup he saw her leaning against his desk, a soft smile on her beautiful face.

He drew in a deep breath as he walked up to her, knowing that it was now inevitable to talk about that specific topic he had been avoiding now for over a week.

When he had reached her he put the mug of coffee down onto his desk. As he looked at her he realized once more how painful this was going to be, but he knew he had to do it...And what made it even worse was the fact that her eyes were telling him that she sensed that something was wrong.

Morgan was aware of the fact that she had probably noticed his odd behavior in the last few days. Because, even though they had normally only spent a few nights of the week with each other, mainly when working on a difficult case, he had come over to her apartment and also to her hotel-room while they had been working on that case in Orlando, during the entire week. He had simply needed to enjoy the remaining time, knowing that he couldn't keep being with her.

Another heavy sigh escaped his mouth before he took a deep breath and told her :

"Listen Elle, there's...there's something I need to..." He had to pause, noticing that his voice was shaking, he cleared his throat and gave it another try,

"There's something I need to talk about with you..." Morgan trailed off as he saw Elle's smile disappear.

"What is it?" Her voice was shaking as well.

"About that with us..." Morgan replied after a moment of silence.

After another moment of hesitation he went on,

"In the last time I thought a lot about it and I came to the conclusion that we should stop this...I mean, we work together and most important we're good friends and I simply don't wanna lose that..." He went silent as he realized that tears were running over Elle's cheeks.

Morgan swollowed hard, fighting back his own pain, and pulled her closer into a tight embrace, while Elle rested her head against his chest, her white-knuckled fists clenched in his shirt on either side of her burrowing face.

After a moment he said quietly :

"I'm sorry, Elle...I didn't mean to hurt you." He kept stroking her back, trying to soothe the pain he had caused.

When her sobs had mainly subsided he made a small step back, putting some space between them. Then he lifted his right hand to her face wiping away the wet trails of her tears, letting his other hand remain on her hip. Meanwhile Elle lifted her head to look at him, her hands still resting against his chest.

Morgan let his fingers slide through her hair before he started caressing her cheek. After another moment of silence he stated softly :

"However, this doesn't mean that I don't care about you, I mean, you know that, right?"

A few seconds later Elle nodded slowly and he bent down, giving her a soft kiss onto her forehead. Elle closed her eyes, holding on to the moment just like him...

_End flashback_

He had regretted his decision right away, but he had needed to do it, right?

Morgan hadn't even noticed that Hotch had seen them that night, and neither had Elle he assumed. Well, it wasn't like he cared about Hotch's opinion... In fact he didn't give a damn about what his supervisor was thinking - Hotch had lost his respect the moment Morgan had seen him kissing Elle...

He shook slowly his head, deciding that he should finally get some sleep, after all, he had to get back to work early in the morning. But it was difficult for him to relax, there were simply too many thoughts racing through his head.

He wondered if Elle was still awake and at that thought he started realizing once more how much he was missing her - and with that he didn't mean her touch or her kiss, but simply having her around when working...

Morgan let out another sad sigh, he knew that Elle needed to recover completely from being shot before coming back for work, but still...

_Five days later :_

As Morgan entered the bullpen together with the rest of the team after arriving back from Denver, he couldn't stop thinking about Elle, about the fact that he would see her very soon...

Therefore he had to realize that focusing onto his report was getting more and more a difficulty.

The moment he was finally done a bright smile appeared on his face and he hurried to get out of the office.

He was looking so much forward to seeing Elle, he had missed her so incredibly much the last few days even though they had talked on the phone every night.

Now that he was driving to her place he was getting all excited about being with her again. It was a foolish happiness which was currently taking control of him, like he was sixteen all over again, sneaking out at night to meet the girl he had a crush on...

At that thought he couldn't help but chuckle, it was true, that with Elle was something totally special to him, however, it was by far more than just some crush. He really loved her and by now realized that this fact wasn't scaring him anymore...

_At Elle's place :_

"Hey stranger..." Elle greeted him as she opened the door.

She smiled at him, yet he couldn't help but notice the glimpse of disappointment which appeared for a second in her eyes. But it was gone so fast that Morgan wasn't sure if it had really been there, so he just replied :

"Hey yourself...Can I come in?"

Her smile widened again and she stepped aside to let him in. After closing the door behind him she turned toward him and they locked eyes.

"So, you're back from Denver..." Elle stated the obvious, apparently unsure what else to say.

And there it was again that disappointment and also sadness, not only in her eyes but also in her voice and entire body-language.

"Yeah...Have you hoped for Hotch to come? 'Cause if you did you're gonna be disappointed - he went straight home after getting some important stuff from his office."

Morgan noticed right away that he had spoken these words harsher than he had intended, but he just couldn't help it...If he was honest to himself he wasn't even sure if he really wanted to know if she had hoped for Hotch to stand in front of her door instead of him - but he just **needed** to know if she **really **wanted him to be here with her and not Hotch.

Elle looked surprised at him, then her eyes softened and she let her shoulders hang as she told him :

"To be honest - I don't know...I mean, I meant it when I said that what has been between me and Hotch is in the past and also that it was a mistake...But nonetheless I guess, I just hoped he would drop by or call so we could talk..."

"Do you love him?" Morgan forced himself to ask.

"I'm not sure - but I don't think so...After all, he's married, he has a child and furthermore he's our supervisor..." Elle paused for a moment before adding,

"But no matter how I actually feel about him - his company felt good...It felt good not to be alone after what happened." She trailed off once more,

"And he was there, he visited me at the hospital...You didn't..."

"Well, I wanted to visit you, but when I did Hotch yelled at me and practically kicked me out of your room..." Morgan defended himself.

"Why would he do that?" Elle looked at him in disbelief.

"I don't know - and to be honest I don't give a damn about what the reason was. The point is that he **has**done it and I most definitely know better than putting up a fight with Hotch when he's already upset."

"Did you mean what you said the other night? You know, when you said you loved me?" Elle looked him straight into the eyes and he saw the uncertainity in hers.

It took him a moment to reply, too surprised by the sudden change of topic.

"Yeah, I meant it..I love you - always did..."

"Then why did you end it?" Elle demanded to know.

Morgan hesitated for a while, unsure how to tell her.

"Well, you know me - I'm not really the type of guy for a serious relationship...So when I realized that I've fallen for you I simply paniced, I got scared, scared of messing it up. And the fact that we work together and that we're friends for years now made it even worse..." He paused for a moment,

"So I did the same thing I always do - I ran instead of taking the risk that it might not work in the longrun. I just didn't want to lose our friendship if it didn't work."

"Then what made you change your mind now?"

"I dunno...Maybe it's the fact that I almost lost you - or that you kissed me that night, maybe it has to do with what happened between you and Hotch...I really have no clue. All I know is that I wanna give it a try, because I think it's worth it - in fact I'm pretty sure that I **know **that it is worth it."

By now they had both taken a seat on the couch and as he had finished they locked eyes. A moment later Elle smirked at him and said :

"So, basicly the only reason for changing your mind was the fact that you were jealous at Hotch..."

"Sort of..." Morgan admitted smiling, then he became serious again,

"Why had it to be Hotch, I mean, he's our supervisor and most of all he has a family."

Elle just shrugged instead of answering.

"I mean, you know him...You know that he loves Haley, that he would only hurt you..."

"I didn't care...When he kissed me the first time it just felt so good, so right - even though I knew that it was terribly wrong." Elle looked away from him, unable to stand his intense gaze any longer,

"I was hurt - not only physically but even more emotionally, and he had been there for me." She trailed off and looked finally back at him, a small smile on her lips,

"It made me feel so much better to be with him...However, looking back it only made things worse...He gave me the impression that he cares 'bout me, that it wasn't just some kind of escape from his troubles. But eventually he made clear that it meant nothing. I mean, in the back of my mind I had known it all along, but I didn't want to admit it to myself."

Morgan saw the pain in her eyes and he became more and more angry with Hotch for what he had done. They kept talking for a while before he suggested to get some sleep, she just nodded and they got up, heading for her bedroom.

_A few hours later :_

When Morgan woke up he wasn't sure what had woken him. Maybe it had been some kind of sound which had disrupted his sleep...Morgan shrugged his shoulders as he sat up a moment later, coming to the conclusion that it didn't matter that much. Another moment passed and he got aware that something was missing.

As he turned his head he saw that Elle was no longer lying next to him. Morgan thought for a few seconds, then he got up to search for Elle.

It only took a minute 'til he noticed that the light in the adjoining bathroom was turned on. The door wasn't closed completely so he simply pushed it softly open.

When he saw Elle standing in front of the sink, staring at her reflection in the mirror, he smiled relieved. But only moment later his smile was replaced by worry as he took a closer look at her...

Only now he realized how red and puffy her eyes were and that tears were streaming down her cheeks, and it took him another few seconds to notice that the fingers of her left hand were absentmindedly sliding through her hair.

Just a moment later he saw Elle lifting her right hand, which was holding a pair of scissors, then she grabbed some of her hair and moved her right hand to cut it.

"Elle don't..." He hurried to say as he realized what she was up to.

Elle froze as she heard his voice and turned her head to look at him.

"Why?" She asked a puzzled expression crossing her face.

Morgan walked up to her, and replied, while taking the scissors out of her trembling hand :

"I just don't understand why you wanna cut your hair."

"I need a change..." Came the blunt response.

"Listen Elle, I can understand that, however it's in the middle of the night and you're hurt because of the recent events and probably also upset...But if you do this right now you will probably regret it tomorrow morning." He paused,

"You should simply wait and think at first for a while about whether you really want this - and if you come to the conclusion that you do, you can still get it cut tomorrow, okay?"

After a moment of thinking Elle started nodding slowly. Morgan put the scissors away and drew her into a tight embrace.

"You should really get some sleep...It's already after three o'clock."

Elle nodded again and they went slowly back to the bedroom. After they had both laid down on the bed, Morgan pulled her close again, giving her a soft kiss.

_Tbc_

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**A/N: Hope you liked it! Next chapter is already done - just have to get it on the pc and upload it, so it might take a while...Please take the time to REVIEW!**


	12. Pain and confusion

**Discs.: I don't own CM nor its characters!**

**A/N: Here's another update...**

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Broken

_11. Pain and confusion_

As Elle woke up by the ringing of a cell phone she turned around to Morgan, who grabbed the item and answered the call. After he had ended the conversation she asked :

"New case?"

"Yeah, Baltimore has a problem with catching a serial killer..."

"So chances are good that we'll see each other tonight..." Elle said, a hopeful smile on her lips.

"Seems that way..." Morgan replied, then he leaned in and kissed her softly before getting up.

A moment later Elle followed him and went to the kitchen to make some coffee while Morgan was getting dressed.

When Morgan had left Elle let out a sigh and went to take a shower. She had no clue what she should do the entire day. Maybe she should clean her apartment or take care of her laundry...She could also go shopping or go for a run, but not one of these things was really tempting.

The truth was all she wanted to do was getting back to work as soon as anyway possible. But of course she knew that it would still take quite a while before she would get the okay for that by her doctor - and she knew that Hotch won't let her come back for work until her doctor had cleared her for the field.

At the thought of her supervisor Elle remembered what had happened the passed night...

_Flashback :_

It hadn't taken long for Morgan to fall asleep, but she herself just couldn't find to sleep, no matter how hard she tried. Instead her mind was working overtime and the one thought most present in her head was Hotch.

She still remembered that afternoon when he had kissed her for the first time, still remembered the intensity and passion of his kiss and the way he had looked at her after he had broken away...

Whenever he had touched her, whenever he had kissed her she had felt so much better. Of course she had known that it was wrong, but she couldn't fight against the temptation, 'cause she knew that he was healing her wounds by just being close to her. When he was there she could stop thinking about what had happened, he made her feel safe again...

And all of a sudden she realized that she had unknowingly lied to Morgan when she had told him that what had happened between her and Hotch had meant nothing to her. She had feelings for him, feelings which went far beyond what she was allowed to feel for her married supervisor and were running way too deep for just vanishing on their own with the passing of time.

And this realization made it even more painful for her as she remembered the night when she had last seen him...

'This means nothing at all.' She heard his sharp voice repeating over and over again in her head. Once more tears formed in her eyes and she got up.

After she had entered the bathroom and turned on the light she couldn't fight against the tears any longer so she surrundered.

While she stared at her reflection in the mirror she started wondering how she could have been dumb enough to believe that Hotch actually cared about her.

The longer she looked at her reflection the angrier she became with herself for not seeing all of it coming, for letting Hotch get so close to her. She hated herself for her foolishness - and even more she hated Hotch for what he had done...

As she let her eyes wander over her face and hair she remembered all the times when he had been with her, caressing softly her cheek, letting his fingers slide through her hair and this memory was the final straw - she just couldn't stand this any longer, so she turned around and started searching for a pair of scissors. When she had found one she looked back at the mirror.

_End flashback_

Suddenly Elle was interrupted in her reverie as her cell phone started ringing.

"Yeah?" Elle answered unwillingly the call.

"Hey, it's me..."

Elle relaxed as she heard Morgan's soft voice.

"What's up?"

"Not much...I just wanted to know how you're doing..."

"I'm horribly bored, but otherwise I'm okay, why?"

"No particular reason...I'm just missing you, that's all."

"Well, that's nice to hear. How's it going with the case?"

"To be honest I don't know...So far we haven't been able to find a link between the victims."

"That's bad..." Elle agreed smiling, then she asked,

"So you won't be able to come over tonight?"

"I dunno...But it's still quite early, so...I'll call you later and tell you whether I can see you tonight or not, okay?"

"Okay..."

A moment later they hung up and Elle realized that she was already feeling much better.

She thought once more about what Morgan had told her the night before. It had taken her by total surprise when he had told her that he had been too scared for telling her about his feelings for her.

Elle was of course aware of the fact that it must have taken Morgan incredibly much courage to tell her that - after all, he was always the tough guy, always the first to kick in a suspect's door, never afraid of taking a risk while on the job...He was not only a macho but also a daredevil and therefore it was that much harder for him to admit it if he was scared by something, too afraid of losing other people's respect as that he could let his fears show.

One thing she was sure of - Morgan was really in love with her and she wanted nothing more than really giving it a try this time. After all, she deserved happiness and so did he...But nonetheless she had feelings for Hotch - even though she would never admit that.

However, she was determined to give Morgan a chance. And Hotch wasn't loving her anyways, in fact she doubted that he was even caring a single bit about her, so it was pretty unlikely that he would mind her being with Morgan.

A few minutes later she decided to stop thinking about it and turned the TV on to distract herself.

_Later that day, 8:40 pm :_

Elle woke with a start by the ringing of the door-bell. After a moment she sat unwillingly up and turned off the TV before getting up to open the door.

"Morgan..." Elle said in surprise after opening the door,

"I thought you wanted to call..."

"Well, I changed my mind and decided to surprise you..." Morgan grinned at her,

"I brought some Chinese, figuring you might not be in the mood for cooking - and after all, I have to make sure that you eat enough, right?"

Elle chuckled for a moment, then she smiled at him and stepped aside. After she had closed the door she replied finally :

"That's really thoughtful of you - especially considering that I love Chinese food."

"I know...I hope I didn't wake you..." He gave her a worried glance.

"Not really...I've been watching a movie and fell asleep."

They locked eyes for a few seconds then Elle went to take a seat on the couch. A moment later Morgan sat down next to her, putting the food down onto the coffee-table in front of the couch.

"So, you obviously changed your mind about cutting your hair?"

"Yeah..." They shared a smile.

"That's good - I really like your hair the way it is..." Morgan stated, letting his fingers slide through her hair.

"Thanks...I mean, not only for liking it the way it is but mainly for keeping me from cutting it last night."

"You're very welcome. But we should really start eating before it gets cold."

Elle only nodded her agreement and they started eating.

_Meanwhile :_

As Hotch opened the front-door of his house he couldn't help but smile. His smile was even widening as he heard Haley coming down the stairs. He walked further into the room, meeting Haley halfway.

After Hotch had pulled her close and kissed her, he asked :

"Is Jack sleeping?"

Haley nodded and replied :

"He just fell asleep ten minutes ago. You're quite early...Is something wrong?"

Hotch smiled.

"No, everything's okay. I just wanted to spend some time with you..."

He kissed her again and Haley returned his smile.

"You're hungry?" They locked eyes.

"A bit...But you don't need to make something for dinner just because of me..."

"Are you sure? It won't be a big deal considering that I haven't eaten dinner yet either."

"Yeah, I think we should simply order something and enjoy the rest of the evening."

"Okay...You have something particular on your mind?"

"How about Italian?"

"Sounds great to me." Haley paused then she offered,

"Why don't you go changing into something more comfortable and get refreshed while I'm ordering something?"

"Great idea..." Hotch gave his wife a grateful smile and kissed her softly, then he released her from his arms and went upstairs.

_Twenty minutes later :_

After he had gone to see his son and had watched him sleep for a while, Hotch had decided to take a quick shower before changing his clothes.

When he returned to the living-room Haley was sitting on the couch, smiling brightly at him and announced :

"The food should arrive pretty soon."

"Great...So, what would you like to do?" Hotch sat down next to her.

"How about watching a movie?"

"Okay." He agreed, happy about having the time to enjoy the evening with Haley.

"Do you already know what you wanna watch?" Hotch asked after a moment of silence.

"Yeah, in fact I do..." Haley smiled happily at him.

"Are you going to tell me?" Hotch smiled back at her, but before she was able to answer the door-bell rang, announcing that their dinner had arrived.

Haley started laughing and told him :

"Nope, you're gonna open the door and get the food and I search for the DVD..."

"Alright..." Hotch surrendered and got up.

After he had opened the door and paid their food, Hotch took it to the kitchen to put it onto plates and got two knives and forkes, before he carried the filled plates to the living-room. As he reached the couch he put the plates onto the table and asked :

"Do you want some wine?"

"Well, why not?" Haley replied, turning toward him, while she took the DVD out of its case and put it into the DVD-player, before returning to her seat on the couch.

While Haley turned on the TV, Hotch went back to the kitchen to get a bottle of wine and two glasses.

As he re-entered the living-room again he asked :

"So, what are we going to watch?"

"Stephen King's Red Rose" Haley answered.

"Really? Since when are you a fan of horror movies?" He looked surprised at Haley, one ey-brow raised and sat down next to her.

"Well, I won't say that I'm a fan, but we have this DVD now for over a year and haven't watched it once..." Haley shrugged and looked at her husband.

"Okay..."

_Around half-past midnight :_

"So, how's Elle doing?" Haley asked as they were lying in bed.

Hotch was glad that it was dark and his wife couldn't see his face.

"She's okay...But it's still going to take quite some time before she can start working again." He replied after a moment of thinking.

Hotch had to admit that he had forced himself to not think about her ever since he had made his decision. The sudden thought of her now was paining him, reminding him of what he had done...

He had really no clue of how he was supposed to handle working with her again when she came back.

Once more he got overwhelmed by his regret and guilt, he just couldn't help but missing Elle - even though he kept pushing that fact away he knew that it was the bitter truth.

He was still yearning for her proximity, for feeling her skin against his fingertips, he was still missing the taste of her lips, the scent of her perfume...

"Are you okay?" Haley's voice interrupted his thoughts.

Hotch turned toward his wife and hurried to say :

"I'm fine, I just have a lot on my mind...Don't worry, okay?" He smiled at her and drew her closer.

"If you say so..." Haley gave him a soft kiss, returning his smile.

_Back at Elle's place :_

While Morgan was watching Elle sleep he realized once more how lucky he was to have a second chance for being with her. And the fact that Elle wasn't in love with Hotch was making it even that much better.

Of course he knew that he should finally get some sleep as well, but it was simply too tempting to keep watching Elle, so he stayed awake, thinking about his relationship with Elle.

As he saw Elle tense up he wished he knew what she was dreaming. A moment later his unspoken question was answered when he heard her mumble quietly :

"Hotch..."

It pained him to hear the distress in her voice and he started wondering once more about how Hotch had been able to hurt Elle so incredibly much. Morgan just couldn't understand his supervisor's behavior, why had Hotch had to have something with Elle? And even more important - why had he had to hurt her like that?

These questions kept spinning through his head, keeping him wide awake.

He could kill Hotch for what he had done...

After a while Morgan got up, realizing how thirsty he was and went to the kitchen.

When he returned to the bedroom, Elle was sitting on the bed crying, her entire body shaking. Morgan hurried to get to Elle, he sat down next to her, pulling her close to him.

"What's the matter?" Morgan asked as Elle's sobs had subsided.

"Just a nightmare..."

Morgan gave her a soft kiss onto her forehead, then he turned the light on and took a closer look at Elle.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I guess..." Elle leaned closer to him and he embraced her again.

"You're sure?" He looked concerned at her.

"I'm sure, Morgan...But thanks a lot for your concern."

After a moment she lifted her head and kissed him softly onto his left cheek.

"How about I get you some water?" They locked eyes for a moment.

"Okay..." A small smile appeared on Elle's face and Morgan got up again.

A few minutes later he returned, a glass of water in his right hand. As he handed Elle the glass she smiled grateful at him and took a sip of water.

"Do you wanna talk about your nightmare?" Morgan gave her a questioning glance.

"It's the same nightmare I have ever since I got shot..." Elle looked away from him for a moment, then she went on,

"I can't stop dreaming about that day, about how I got home and Garner pointed the gun at me and puller the trigger...I can still feel his hand in the wound..."

Once again tears started running over her face.

"My God, Elle..." Morgan sat back down next to her, lifted his right hand and caressed softly her cheek.

"I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this..."

"It's no big deal...I mean, it's muach harder when I'm alone." Elle paused for a few seconds,

"I can barely sleep when I'm alone at home, well, it's getting easier, but..." She trailed off.

"Well, you have me...You know I'm always there for you." Morgan kissed her softly and added,

"Do you think you'll be able to fall asleep again?"

"I dunno..." Elle looked up, a soft smile on her lips.

"It's already early in the morning, so if you want we could simply get up and go for a run and could have breakfast somewhere after that?"

"That sounds pretty good...But I actually have a better idea..." Elle smirked at him.

"Really? What is it?"

A devious smile crossed Elle's face as she clearified :

"I'm not gonna tell you that..." She paused for a moment waiting for Morgan's protest, as there came none she went on,

"I'll show you..."

_Meanwhile :_

Hotch woke with a start, bathed in sweat. He wasn't sure what exactly he had dreamed, but it had had to do with Elle.

At the thought of her all the memories flooded back to his concious mind - even though he had tried to get her out of his head...And until this very night it had actually worked pretty good - until Haley had asked him about her.

It still pained him when he thought about how he had treated her, probably adding even more pain to the hurt she had already felt before.

He wished he could turn back time and change what he had done, but unfortunately he couldn't...

Now the big question was - what **could **he do? After all, they would have to work with each other again. One thing was for sure, he couldn't pay her a visit to talk about what had happened - it was simply still too soon.

Hotch wasn't sure if he could resist the temtation and stick to his resolution if he was alone with her - and how was he supposed to talk with her about it when someone else could hear what they were saying? Well, it was a dilemma he had gotten himself into - he couldn't deny this fact, couldn't blame anybody else but himself, not even Elle, after all, it wasn't her fault that he had fallen for her...

'Wait, Aaron - you're **not **in love with Elle! What happened between the two of you was just a meaningless fling - a terrible mistake,' Hotch thought, like always when he couldn't muster up the strength to ignore what his heart was telling him.

This very though had become his safety-net - his mantra ahich he was repeating over and over again in his head whenever he thought about his **real **feelings for Elle. And somehow he actually believed that it worked, well, he tried to believe it, wanted to believe it.

He just **had **to believe that if he kept telling himself often and long enough that he wasn't in love with Elle, that it had been meaningless and a mistake, his feelings for her would just go away.

Of course he knew that the odds were against him, but but it was the only way to keep his career, his family - his sanity...

Hotch let out a heavy sigh and got up, leaving for Jack's room.

As he looked at his sleeping son Hotch couldn't help but feel once more horrible for what he had done...

_At the office, half-past 8 :_

When Morgan entered the bullpen he had still a huge grin plastered on his face.

Elle had been right - her idea had really been by far better as his own...

The only problem he was facing now was focusing on the case.

This morning had made him realize another reason for why he had felt so miserable after he had ended their relationship...

_Flashback, two and a half hours earlier :_

As Morgan locked eyes with Elle he couldn't help but admitting :

"Wow, this was...I actually have no clue about how to put it into words..."

He was still stunned - and still struggled with regaining control over his breath, but nonetheless he added a moment later,

"It was...amazing - and even that is not really getting close to it..."

Elle burst out laughing and he loved the sound, loved the sparkle which was dancing in her eyes - he couldn't remember the last time Elle had been so at ease.

After she had calmed down a bit Elle stated :

"I told you I had a better idea..."

"You did." Morgan agreed and kissed her passionate again.

The last few hours had been like heaven...It had been three hours of the most passionate love-making he had ever had - and he just couldn't get enough.

Elle broke their kiss and told him :

"Not now..."

"Okay..." Morgan smirked at her, then he wanted to know :

"So, what's next on your agenda?"

While getting up and going to her closet, Elle replied :

"How about some talking?"

"Sounds good..."

Morgan got up as well, picking up his boxers and his t-shirt and put both on. Meanwhile Elle put on a pair pf light grey sweat-shorts and a pink cami, then she sat back down on the bed and a moment later Morgan followed.

"What do you wanna talk about, Elle?"

"Why were you scared to tell me about your feelings?" Elle gave hime a serious glance.

And he started repeating the reasons he had already mentioned before, but he also talked about other reasons, told her about his best kept secret...

Morgan had decided that if Elle was willing and capable of confiding in him, he should trust her to the same extent. After all, if he really wanted it to work this time, he needed not only to be there for Elle, expecting her to let her guards down - no, he had to do the same thing, opening up to her instead of acting all macho like he usually did.

He simply couldn't make this an oneway thing, because in case he only demanded Elle to tell him all about her deepest fears and secrets without confiding in her in return he'd destroy their relationship again - and that was the one thing he wanted the least.

So he told her about his troubled teenager time, about his football coach at the youth center who had molested him...

Elle remained silent while he was talking. When he was finished she just stretched out her right hand intertwining her fingers with the ones of his left hand.

They locked eyes and Morgan was surprised to see tears running over her face. He drew Elle into a tight embrace and it wasn't 'til then that he realized that he was crying as well, but he didn't mind at all...

_End flashback_

"You're a half hour late." Hotch's angry voice interrupted Morgan's thoughts as he entered the conference-room.

"Sorry..."

"Can we now finally start the briefing?"

Morgan didn't care about Hotch's bad mood - after all, it wasn't his duty to make sure that his supervisor was all cheerful at work.

He was way too relieved by the fact that he had finally talked with someone about the one thing that had bothered him the most as that he cared about Hotch's little outburst. It had simply felt too good to talk with Elle as that hotch's behavior could affect him.

He had missed talking with her like that, he knew that she wasn't judging him, she wasn't thinking less highly of him because of what he told her.

After Hotch had ended the briefing, giving them their assignments, Morgan went to work on his task.

While he and JJ were on their way to questionthe sister of one of the victims, who had just returned home from a business-trip, Morgan thought once more about how lucky he was to have Elle.

Morgan knew that if he didn't run this time and confided in her it was going to work, well, as long as Hotch didn't change his mind.

He just didn't want to feel the way he had after breaking up with Elle ever agin, he had felt horrible.

Elle was like his own personal brand of heroine - he just couldn't get enough of her, yet she gave him so much more than he could ever have expected...

In retrospect she had given him by far more tha he could take at that time and this got him scared, but he felt, he **knew **that he could handle it, he was no longer scared to give it a serious try...

_Meanwhile :_

As Elle returned home from her little run she was still full of energy and started wondering once more what she should do with all her time.

After a moment of thinking she decided to take a shower and change clothes first before she kept wondering about what to do.

When she sat down on the couch, a mug of coffee in her hands, she started thinking once again about what Morgan had told her that morning. What she had heard was still making her incredibly sad, but she was glad that Morgan trusted her enough to tell her his deepest secret.

For a moment she wondered if this had been the reason why he had joined the FBI and later the BAU.

Elle took another sip of her coffee and got up to turn the stereo on, getting tired of the silence surrounding her.

The thought that she had to stay at home for at least another seven weeks before returning to work was not only totally annoying but also incredibly upsetting to her. She just couldn't stand this any longer - being stuck at home with nothing to do was simply boring her to death.

Elle missed her work, missed doing something useful, she even missed the UnSubs to a certain extent...

But suddenly she realized that the one thing she was missing the most was in fact Hotch and not work itself. She simply missed him so much, missed their late-night talks on the plane when they were on their way back home from a case, but most of all she missed those very rare occasions when Hotch showed his breathtaking smile...

After a while she got up again and went to get finally her laundry done.

So she went to the bathroom and started throwing her dirty clothes into the washing-machine, trying to get Hotch off of her mind. However, a moment later Elle stopped as she realized that she was holding one of his shirts in her hands.

It took her several seconds to fully overcome the surprise caused by her sudden discovery. The truth was she had totally forgotten that it was even there...

She couldn't help but smile as she realized that it was still having his scent on it.

After a moment of hesitation Elle straightened up and left for her bedroom, the shirt in her hands, unable to bring herself to washing it. Instead she decided to put it into her closet.

A short time later she sat down on her bed, reflecting on what had happened between her and Hotch, once more getting aware of her indeed very strong feelings for him.

She couldn't deny that she wished he would call or even visit her.

Of course she was happy with Morgan, but it just wasn't the same...

Sure, Morgan was incredibly nice and most of all she knew he loved her, but Elle got more and more aware that she had to face the fact that her heart belonged to Hotch and not to Morgan - no matter how much she wished it was differently.

But it didn't really matter, after all, Hotch wasn't feeling the same - she wasn't even sure if he cared at all about her.

Yet she wanted him so goddamn much, she longed for his touch, his kiss, yearned for him to hold her in his arms - she just wished he was there...

Elle sighed frustrated, knowing that it was pointless to hope for the impossible to happen.

Hotch didn't want her, he loved Haley and Jack, he couldn't risk losing them nor his career, she knew that and also didn't want him to lose the two things which meant the most to him.

Tears started running over her face, all the pain she had been hiding from herself all this time, swollowing it down and not wanting to admit to herself that it was even there, breaking free all of a sudden.

Only a few minutes later her body was shaking violently due to her sobs.

Elle knew she should be happy that she was with Morgan, that he was so much better for her than Hotch could ever be - at least when she thought rationally about it, but she simply didn't love Morgan as much as she loved Hotch.

However, she had to at least give him - and their relationship - a chance, after all, Morgan was deeply in love with her, he simply didn't deserve that she broke his heart.

And he was the right guy, wasn't he?

But on the other hand, even if Morgan was the right one, it wasn't fair to lead him on, knowing that her feelings for him were not as strong as his feelings for her, now was it?

'Why am I even thinking that much about it? Hotch doesn't love me - Morgan does, and there's no reason for me to **not **be with him. Well, except of my feelings for Hotch that is...' Elle thought sadly to herself.

_Back at the BAU :_

Hotch had gone right backto his office after the briefing, not in the mood for spending more time with his colleagues than necessary.

All he wanted was getting out of the office and see Elle, but he couldn't do that - and of course he knew that, still he kept wondering what she was doing, he just couldn't help missing her...

He knew he should stop thinking about her, but it was an impossibility - and he couldn't change anything about it.

It wasn't like he wasn't grateful for having a great wife like Haley and an adorable son, but he knew that it was no longer the way it used to be before he got to know Elle - before she had started working with the BAU.

He let out an exhausted sigh, why had everything to be so complicated?

Sometimes he started wondering if Haley was sensing anything about what was bothering him, if she was actually aware of the fact that something had changed between them.

Of course he wished it could simply be the way it had used to be, but somehow he knew that it was impossible to go back to that. And maybe that was a good thing, after all, ever since he had decided to simply ignore his feelings for Elle, he had started spending more time at home.

He had started trying to be more present as both a husband and father, using the time to actually enjoy being with Haley, talking with her, watching a movie with her like at the passed evening...

The time he had had to spend at home when he had been sick had sortta opened his eyes about what he was having and that he didn't want lose that.

Hotch simply knew that he just couldn't do this to Haley and Jack, he couldn't destroy his marriage becuase of Elle. And his feelings for her would just go away with the passing of time, or so he at least hoped...

Tbc

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**A/N: Hope you liked it! Sorry for any remaining mistakes! Please REVIEW!**


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